Too much time on my hands....

Well, I'm done with my calories for today. Oatmeal, salad, and dinner totaling 640 calories.

I'm not feeling hungry or anything, but I feel close to breaking =(

I don't know why, but all I want to go do is eat some fat ridiculous foods right now, and lots of them! I'm trying so hard to be good, and not get myself into trouble.

That's really why I'm here right now, I'm trying to distract myself.

GAhahshshhashfhsdjfhjah!!!!

>=(

It's not working..... fuck......

~Wendy

I want your ugly, I want your disease....

hmmmm where to start?

Well we talked about breakfast already and that was 90 calories. After that, I had a stalk of celery, and some plain salad (just lettuce w/ dressing) for a total of 46 calories. My total going into dinner was 136 calories!

Dinner with my friends then. Dinner was potato pancakes, and bacon. They made a fruit salad that I don't know how many calories was in (it had canned peaches, and fresh banana and apple). I managed to just put some of that on my plate and eat mostly that, I think I had a cup in total. I did have to eat one potato pancake though since my friends had noticed I didn't take one yet. After I took it though they didn't pay attention to anything else I ate =) According to google, that one potato pancake was about 207 calories 0.o I didn't eat bacon at all because well ewwww. Lucky for me everyone knows that I don't like bacon either. Plus since they LOVE the stuff, all the more for them.

We had the fundraiser meeting after that. I was going to try and not have a cupcake, but my friends got the brilliant idea to do a cupcake toast, and that landed me with one.... 200 calories.
We had 20 of them here, so I tried to make sure that were going to be none left, but a few hours later when everyone was gone, there were still 2 cupcakes staring at me.

I walked back and forth several times, but I couldn't get it out of my head, so I broke down and had another cupcake 200 calories. The last one is still sitting in front of me as I type, but it's not going to break me down. I'll throw it in the trash in the morning and pretend I don't know what happened!

Let's see, that gives us a grand total of 743 calories plus whatever was in that cup of fruit salad. God I fucking suck.

I need to go to sleep now before I break down and just start eating shit.

Good Night All,
~Wendy

Watch me now....

I am not awake enough to deal with food first thing in the morning!

I planned on making 2 scambled egg whites @ 60 calories (I have those all whites egg beaters things), but instead mispoured, and realized when I was scrambling the 2nd one that I had made 2 the first time! Ugggg and of course I didn't throw it away, so that's up to 90 calories now!

I need to figure out a way to slim down my salad at lunch, or this is never going to work! =/

Day, please don't be a pain in my ass and get better!

~Wendy

She called me her ugly American

Today was just friggin' crazy!

Got up and changed my breakfast up, Kellog's Product 19 with 1/2 cup milk (145 calories).

Went to work, hated work, panicked because I had a huge project due I had forgotten about, went to class and came home for lunch.

Lunch was pretty much the same thing as always, Salad (weighing in at 90 calories). I felt kind of crappy all day, partially because of sleep problems, and partially because I might be fighting off some kind of cold. By this afternoon I started coughing (which did NOT make my day!).

Went to class, but then I skipped my next class so that I could finish up working on my project in the student union. Don't know why, but I was STARVING by this point. I really wanted to get some Starbucks, but I was good and resisted! Phantom french fry smell was around too, which was weird because there is only a Mexican place right by where I was. 0.o I was really good though! Jimmy Johns even came through with free half sandwiches! I was friggin starving, but I resisted and just went to class! =D

Afterclass I came home and had a cough drop for my throat (15 calories) and had dinner, Hamburger Hot Dish (420 calories). Later had one more cough drop (15 calories) because I went out in the cold and aggravated my throat again.

I'm helping with a fundraiser meeting tomorrow, so some people came over to help me make cupcakes for the meeting. The brought taco bell with them, so I had one Chicken Soft Taco (200 calories). Taco bell is my ultimate weakness, but trust me that the Chicken Soft Taco was not even close to the worst thing I could have on the menu!

When all the cupcakes were done, Izzie insisted on splitting one with me so that we could try it =/ I figured that each cupcake was about 200 calories, so my half comes in at (100 calories).

That's right, the total for today was 985 calories! FUCKING FAIL! I'm happy that I managed to stay under 1,000 ....... but barley!!!!! Uggghhhhh I swear, I NEED to see this weight come off on the scale this week! I don't know what I'll do if I don't!

Tomorrow is going to be rough too. I have standing dinner plans with some of my friends for Thursday nights, and it is not my night to cook. I'm terrified of what kind of fatty foods they are going to give me =/ So the plan is, to keep it as low as possible all day tomorrow. (Like new low) Figuring on having Egg Whites in the morning, that's low calorie, right? Then Salad for lunch!

At dinner I'm going to try and get away with eating as little as possible, but it's hard when you have about 10 friends around all watching you eat. Hopefully I can be stealthy, like a ninja! That fundraiser meeting is also tomorrow night, so I have to try my damn hardest to not have another cupcake. Hopefully I can manage to swing that. I DO NOT need another one of those!

NO MORE FOR ME! I really NEED to get this under control. Why does the entire world have to revolve around food??????? =(

~Wendy

...no matter what I do your always mad

I'm an insomniac. Not in that I stay up all night because my brain won't shut off (it happens but RARLEY), but in that I can't actually stay asleep once I am asleep. I never complete a full sleep cycle it seems. It just makes me sooooo tired.

Last night I woke up almost every hour all night. The minutes read between 30 and 32 every single hour I woke up (So lucky I didn't wake up at 333 or something woulda died). Now I'm up early for work, and already feeling tired and cranky.

I told you that I sneak peeks at my scale pretty often, right? Well this morning I have gained a pound from where I was yesterday morning =( Can today be over so I can just crawl back into bed?

Oh, and I gained and lost my first follower all in one day. It's okay I guess, just not helping with my morning =/

I need to go eat breakfast (I have a VERY physical job, and I'll pretty much die without it), but I really don't want to at the moment.... fucking hell.

This day had better get better and fucking fast!

~Wendy

I've got a feeling...

It's been a surprisingly complacent day for me today. I don't know if that's a good thing, or a bad thing.

I got up this morning and went to the open skate at a local ice rink. I use to skate a lot when I was way younger, but my parents couldn't finance it forever so I had to quit. =( When I started to realize that I was MUCH bigger than I was suppose to be I decided that I would not try to figure skate again. I'm never going to be as tiny as those girls it seems, and at this point in my life, there would be no point in going back to it.

That didn't stop me from strapping on some hockey skates though, and doing laps and drills around the rink is a good way to get exercise. =) Plus I still enjoy being on the rink which makes it one of the few forms of exercise I actually like!

The rest of my day was very blasse (sp?) to say the least. I had to go grocery shopping. Not fun! =( It was driving me crazy because I felt like I had to look at the labels and nutrition info on almost everything (I have a few safe products I stick with)! There was way to many people there to be doing that, and in the cereal aisle it was damn near impossible! =0 But on a good note, I somehow managed.

I got some different things to "spice up" what I've been eating, since it seems like I've been eating the same thing every day. Oh, wait..... that's because I am!

Food wise things went good today...I ate pretty much the same thing as always. Peach Oatmeal for breakfast 130 calories, Salad for lunch 90 calories, and Hamburger Hot Dish for dinner 420 calories. Also bought Cherry Coke Zero at the store (Just water was KILLING me, and I needed caffeine (see yesterday's post)) and had 2 of those for 0 calories. The grand total today was 640 calories!

Much better than I did yesterday at 900. Oddly enough though, it doesn't feel like I did very good =/ I dunno it's almost like because it didn't seem hard at all, I felt as bad as if I had just gone on an all out binge and ate whatever the fuck I felt like =/

Hoping that will pass. I'm going to try and switch things up the next few days just to see what happens. I am stronger than this! I will outsmart it! But only the scale can tell the truth. (I have been sneaking peaks 2 to 3 times a day, but I'm going to try sticking with only posting my weight on Sunday weigh in's) soo yeah.... idk, w00t?

~Wendy

I'll tell you my name when I'm on your skin...

I hate Mondays. Hate, hate, hate! =(

My schedule is so fucked up on Monday's. I had my normal breakfast Peach Oatmeal 130 calories.

Went to class failed test #1.

Came home for lunch, and had a salad 90 calories total.

All's on track for the day. Went to class failed tests 2 and most likely 3. =(

Then Monday's are the only day I have to work a night shift, so I don't get to dinner until late and I've already sat through 3 classes. So I had a peach cereal bar 90 calories. Not good, but not doing horrible.

I've been so exhausted today. Mostly just because I'm feeling all depressed about friggin failing 2 tests today, so I was whining and complaining. (Yes I hate myself sometimes too!)

One of my coworkers decided to surprise me by buying me a Mountain Dew from the vending machine "Because you need the caffeine". I couldn't damn well turn it down =( and I did need the caffeine. So Mountain Dew rang in at 170 calories.

Then I can home about and hour ago (10:30) and finally had dinner. Another Hamburger hot dish was 420 calories (I live alone, so I cook in bulk and eat the same thing for a few days depending on serving size). Today's total was 900 =(

Tomorrow I really need to watch out and get back on track.

Stupid friggin Mondays! Fuck!

One a slightly more positive note I got told that I looked cute several times today =)

It was nice, but kind of sad that I knew they were just talking about my outfit. I may have amazing fashion sense, but no one ever comments of how I actually look! I'm so fucking fat that it's a taboo topic still.

I can't wait to be skinny. Will power will win!

Well night then, wish I didn't have to be alone in this =(

~Wendy