Don't stop baby!

I'm still not sure what to do with this. =/

It's kind of like coming home to a ghost town. There are a few people here and there, but so many people just dropped off the map! Of course, I'm not one to speak because I was one of them.

I've been awake for a few hours now and I still haven't left my room. The only reason to leave, is to go downstairs and eat. My stomach is growling, and truth be told, if there was ANYTHING even remotely appealing in my cupboards, I'd be down there eating it.

I still can't decide if being so broke I don't own food is a good thing or a bad thing? (P.S. The reason I'm so broke is that I had to leave that amazing new job I had found. Yeah, and basically can't find another job at all now, so the dollars are running a bit low)

Downstairs there is a half a cup of rice, 2 boxes of chicken soup (the kind with just noodles), Crackers with peanut butter, saltines, and one box of chicken flavored rice.

That is literally ALL I have. The really bad part is, all I want to eat right now is like a cup of fruit, or a spinach salad (I might be pretty iron deficient at the moment). That's not even bad food to want is it???

Stupid food, always the depressing part of my life. I actually had really good news at school, yesterday =D I'd love to share it, but I'm not even telling people in real life, yet! Let's just say that it left a HUGE smile on my face though!!!! =D

Now to talk about my weight.

Weighed myself yesterday all proper like at 189.5lbs! I find this good news because it means I'm below the dreaded 190 mark! Fuck you 190! At the same time this feel like bad news, because it's been almost 3 months since I've been active in this blog, and I'm still fighting the same damn mark!

Then logic kicks in.

Logic tells me that since I kinda fell off the wagon a bit, I should be damn happy that I didn't gain weight in those 3 months. I should be happy to have stayed the same! But hell, I lost 4 lbs! That's pretty damn good, right? I mean that in the I'm not a complete failure, right?

I want to jump right back on the plan again, but I hesitate. Part of that is because of the new guy (still not ready to give lots of details). See he really does seem to like me for the way I am. In fact he tells me often how he loves the confidence I have (I'm a good liar, no?). He isn't one of those judgmental assholes, and yeah, again, not fully ready to talk about it.

Basic point here is that I REALLY wouldn't want to screw this up because of stupid shit. Should I just stay away from the plan then? Should I make a new one? Should I only stick to the plan when I'm by myself, and just be watchful when I'm not? He already knows I eat less then him normally, and doesn't seem to even mind. I don't want to fuck this up!

But hell, let's be real. I've kind of been involuntarily thrown back onto the plan anyways! Have you seen my cupboards????

I'm just hungry.

and I love and hate it all at once.

~Wendy

The things I went through to avoid you

It's been months since I've been on here.

Wow.

I don't remember ever making the decision to stay away. Just one day I put it off, and then off, and then off again, until eventually I just forgot to come back.

I never really forgot you guys. I could never do that, but things have changed for me.

Actually since I wrote to you guys last, my life completely fell apart on me.

Remember Chris? Well things went on there for awhile (more like just ended at the beginning of the month.) He turned out to be an asshole in the 'oh god I'm glad I didn't sleep with him...oh shit, i did' kind of way. The funny part? I'm still friends with him. Legit like.

I've even moved on to the next guy. (Wow, I really do sound like a whore these days.) I'm not really ready to tell you about him yet though. My love life is going low key for awhile until I figure out what the hell is going on with it. Only thing I will say, is with this guy, I feel relaxed.

My life has gone to financial hell lately too. I even moved to save some money. So now, instead of having an apartment all to myself to do whatever I want in, I live with 3 other girls! Ahhhhh! It's like my worst nightmare! The one plus is that we never eat together! So no one really cares what I'm doing. Bad part, we have a shared fridge and pantry, and they all know how little food I keep around. Shit.

Good side of being broke is that I can't afford food! So there is no need to be tempted. Seriously I think there is nothing but rice in my side of the pantry!

When I moved in, I hid my scale in the bathroom. I use to keep it in my room, but the carpeting here makes it read wrong. (like 40ish lbs wrong!!!!!) I've been afraid to step on it lately. I did though this morning for the first time since moving in. With clothes on, I weighed 189.4! I'm not going to update my sidebar yet until things are for sure stable, but hey, improvement! (despite it being 3 months since my last weigh in).

I don't want to sound all depressing or anything but things have just been rough. I've wanted to go home (you know to the next state over) and figure things out so bad, but even talking to my mom today she told me that it was probably better if I didn't because my dad is MEGA pissed at me. Fuck then, so much for that. =/

I'm not really sure why I'm here right now. Maybe I'm looking for support. Maybe I'm looking for someone that will just tell me that things will be alright. Maybe I'm looking for someone to tell me to suck it up and get my fat ass on a treadmill, sitting around never helped anything. I can't tell you really.

I'm not here with promises to be better. I'm just here to tell you how I've been. I want to get back on my plan, but at the moment I'm just taking things one day at a time. I don't even have the mental capacity to follow my own plan. To much time and thinking. It's gonna need some work.

I guess that that then. I just stopped by to say....

I'm still alive.

and tomorrow, I'll still be here too.

~Wendy