I have a feeling this is going to be a long post. Read at your own risk.
I stuck to my diet today, nothing wrong there. 560 calories for the day. I finally ran out of that damn Hamburger Hot Dish, so it was time to cook and prepare food again.
I usually just make things up when I cook, or take a recipe out of one of my cookbooks. 3 of my cookbooks have the calories all figured out for me, so I decided last week that I would start making my way through the cookbooks, but I wouldn't cook any of the recipes that were over 400 calories per serving.
First up was a Hamburger 'n Fries Pot Pie for 340 calories. It's really not as bad as it sounds, mostly lean hamburger and onions with a can of diced tomatoes. It's baked with crinkle cut fries on top, but it works out to only be like 3 fries per serving. It has a lot of protein in it though. Overall it's really good, but I kinda feel like I'm cheating some how. But fuck, 560 calories in a day is the best I've done in the last 2 weeks!
***
I've been dreaming a lot recently. That's actually very odd for me. Last night's dream was extremely vivid, and has stuck with me all day.
My dream started out with me living a normal day. Then some men came up, and without saying a word somehow convinced me it was a good idea to follow them back to their van. They were wearing white coats, but I didn't think anything about it until I was in the van, and realized that I had been tricked.
I began to get really sad and depressed because I needed to get back to what I was doing before they came along, and this was just an inconvenience to my day. Before we got to out destination more people were in the van with me, but none of them would talk to me, and they all seemed to be dead and uncaring about us being taken away.
When we got to our destination and they opened the back doors to the van (it was more of a prison van than a mini van) I realized it was a hospital. When we started walking in we walked past a sign that said "Treatment Center for Anorexia Nervosa" I wanted to run, but even though I couldn't see anything outside that would stop me I knew I was caught.
There was a handful of people in the entrance way. Some were very thin, but some weren't. All off them were Zombies, and didn't even look at me as I walked in. The only woman that made eye contact with me just smiled and said she was here to take me to where I needed to go. We walked to the back of the hospital and she never left my side. Even when we got to the back wing, she didn't leave me. She was supposed to be my companion.
I remember that I wanted to tell her this was all a mistake, that I ate all the time, I was fat! There was nothing wrong with me! But, I never found a chance to bring it up. We were eventually joined by a hand full more girls, all of whom were smaller than me. Most of them looked normal weight, but were still WAY smaller than me. I wondered why it wasn't obvious that I didn't belong here.
The really weird thing was that we all sat around a cafeteria table for most of the day, with the other girls talking. I was now the silent one. I had lost my voice. The weirder thing was that they never brought out food. Not at all in the entire day. I was thankfull because I was dreading when that would happen. I didn't want to eat things that they picked out just because they told me too!
Eventually it was time for bed. My group and my companion all went to the same room where there was beds set up for all of us. I was starting to get annoyed that my companion never left. I didn't like feeling watched all the time. While the other girls were changing I managed to slip out of the room back into the hallway.
There was a girl out there that waved me to come down to her room. When I went down to her, her room was set up more like a hotel, there were two or three other girls there, and I knew we were the rebellious ones. We sat and had fun threw food at each other (but never ate) and watched movies.
Eventually I realized that I would have to leave, so I slipped back out into the dark hallway, and made my way back to my room. When I opened the door just a crack I realized that my companion had the bed by the door. She stirred when the light from the hallway hit her face.
I told her I was sorry for leaving, but that I had trouble sleeping that early at night (it had been like 930 when she wanted us to go to bed). I told her that no matter how early she had me get up, I had sleeping problems and still wouldn't be able to fall asleep before 2 or 3am. She mumbled to me not to worry about it that it was okay, then she rolled over and went back to sleep.
I pulled the door closed behind me as I stepped back into the hall. I smiled because that last part of the conversation made me realize that I could still sell anything I wanted, ice water to an Eskimo. I smiled because I knew that I could beat them at their own game.
Then I woke up...
I don't really know what it was about, but it seemed appropriate to put her soooo there ya go. It's been haunting me all day.
***
I'm terrified for tomorrow to come for 2 reasons. The first one is because me and a few friends are driving out to the next major city to go to the mall.
It's been something that we've been planning for awhile, and I'm the driver, so no getting out of it. I want to go to the mall, but the problem is, this is an ALL day adventure, so my friends are going to KNOW that I haven't eaten, and are planning on stopping at fast food places at least twice that I know of! What the fuck am I going to do?
I spent most of the day today online looking up nutrition facts of fast food chains, trying to memorize what is ACCEPTABLE for me to eat. Not good(because none of it is) but acceptable. I REALLY hope that I don't fuck up major tomorrow =/ I'm going to eat a real light breakfast tomorrow, and try to get away with eating as little as possible for the rest of the day. *crosses fingers* here's to hoping!
The second reason that I'm terrified is that tomorrow morning is my official weigh in. The numbers that I record and update the blog with. I'm super nervous because this mornings numbers were really promising, but not much so now. I haven't even eaten that much today! Tomorrow has the mad potential to be horrible. There's nothing I can do now though.
Guess I'll talk to you all tomorrow.
~Wendy
Today has literally been a roller coaster ride. I've had goods and bads (and some REALLY bads), but at the end of the day I'm just feeling blah. I think that's because for every bad I've had a good. So I've reached equilibrium? Okay so it goes like this...
