Never gonna give you up.....

Reason #12 to be skinny:

So I can get Tattoos without them being distorted.


I've always been a big believe in Karma. The divine cosmic balance and all that.

I'm not very religious, in the sense that I don't subscribe to a specific religion. But I do believe.

Bad things happen so that good things can happen. EVERYTHING happens for a reason.


My life is coming back up, despite my major failure. I've calmed down, and realized that I can fix this. It'll take time, but I CAN fix this.

I got news on the Job I interviewed for. I GOT THE JOB! =D It's amazingly exciting.

Plus, Red Wings won last night X-D

Things are looking up.


In other news, my eating is erratic still and I am paying for it. I go hours on end without eating. But when I eat, it's not like I binge or eat normal even. I graze on stupid snack foods (a few tortilla chips, or carrots and ranch etc.)

Yesterday, I had my blood sugar completely drop out on me. Not just that, but I had A LOT of trouble getting it back up after wards. It was actually kind of scary. I drank some light chocolate soy milk because of the sugar, but I couldn't get it to come back up. So I headed for protein. I ate a quarter of a package of lunch meat turkey, and I still couldn't get it to level off. In fact it was still dropping! Lucky me, that was when Will and Izzie showed up with some bread sticks and pizza for the hockey game. After eating 2 bread sticks, I got my blood sugar to level off. After a piece of pizza I was finally okay again.

It's one of the worst attacks I've had in a long time. For anyone who doesn't know, having on of these attacks sucks ass. It's like you're shivering, but with no control over it. Your hands shake, and you can't hold anything still. The longer it goes on the worse the shaking gets. You get light headed, and if you pass out from it you're in major trouble.

Overall shit.

But even today I'm doing much better despite not eating barley anything. Hopefully that has been put behind me.

I hope everyone else is doing well.

Til later,
~Wendy

I'm a nervous wreck

Reason #11 to be skinny:

So I won't be a fat American when I travel abroad.


When Nicole was here before she brought up something. She was eating breakfast, and I offered the girl that was there to pick her up some food. I wasn't eating, and the other girl declined too.

So Nicole is all starts telling her that I was never a breakfast person in high school. She actually brings up that I use to just say that I would eat at lunch, but then say I wasn't hungry at lunch too.

It was just this random conversation.

The funny part is, that's just how I was back then. Never hungry. My entire family is overweight and I've always shied away from food. I am actually the smallest of us all.... doesn't say much huh?

I'm not a person who eats my feelings. Never have been. When I get stressed out, I can end up making myself sick, therefor when I get upset I won't eat. For days on end without knowing it.

So why do I bring this up???

Well, I got some bad news....

I'm going to be failing my first class in 17 years of schooling. Not failing like "getting a C and it's not what I wanted" failing. No failing like "I'm GETTING A FUCKING F" failing.

There is no way I'm getting into grad school now. The programs are too selective. They will never fucking take me!

Just like that I fucked my whole life.

So for the last 2 days, I've been starving all day, and then going on a binge for about an hour. My body kicks in with wanting food and I fucking mindlessly eat. I'm not going over 1000 calories, so I don't feel that bad... but what the fuck.

Fuck

Fuck


FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!









Fuck


~Wendy

Don't act like a starving model

Reason #10 to be skinny:

Because it feels amazing!!!!


188.0 is my official weigh in this morning.

That's a 1.2lb weight loss in a week.



I wish it could have been more, but hey... I'm fucking LOSING again. Plus I had to jump of the plan for a a day or two.

I'll catch up on all of your blogs again tonight. Right now I'm heading off to my soul sucking job. Catch ya later!

~Wendy

Don't fuck me around.....

Reason #9 to be skinny:

So I can stop wondering which outfits I have that make me look fat!



Sorry I haven't updated. The last few days were rough. Kinda binged last night, and PAID for it! (awake with nightmares etc.)

Anyways, I have a Job Interview this evening. Red Wings play, and I have a charity dinner thing to go to! Hopefully all goes well! I'll prolly be back to update some time after that....

~Wendy

Are you in?

Reason #8 to be skinny:

So just once someone can think I'm "too thin" (even if they're wrong).



My day got kinda crazy after I last wrote. Ended up skipping lunch, literally because I didn't have time for it! Which was sad =( But worked in my favor because of dinner.

It was sketchy for a bit, because my blood sugar started to dip, but I held out until dinner =)

Also DIDN'T buy more juice today. Now all that's in my fridge is soda (and I will only touch the diet kind.) Yay for coke zero!

So Will made dinner. It was Tortellini with a sausage tomato sauce. Pretty good actually. I had a small bowl of it. I won't lie I went back for seconds, but 2 bites into that realized that I was full! But I had a whole portion still left in front of me. So I asked Izzie to split the rest with me and she agreed. Then Erin said she would take some too if I was feeling too full. So I got to be all stealthy and basically give them my entire bowl. (There was a little bit of sausage sauce still left after they were done.) Score one for me! =D

Plus, although I drank wine and beer (not much, and remember alcohol has no calories in my school of thinking.) I didn't indulge on chocolate pudding, banana pudding, or orange sherbet like everyone else was. =) I take my victories where I can. Overall not too bad of a day.

So onto tomorrow, since I most likely not be posting in the morning (work FIRST thing), and I don't know if I can make a post tomorrow night. I'm going to try to, but it can't be when Nicole is around. =/

So I have to go to work. Then as I am now remembering I stupidly asked Izzie and Will to have lunch with me when I got off. I only have an hour break between work and class on fridays, so they always bring me lunch after work. Now I NEED to come up with something that is under 150 calories that they can bring me. =/ It looks like one piece of cheese pizza clocks in around 140 calories. So I should be okay, and within the rules, if I can get them to bring me JUST that. Hopefully I can get that to happen.

After class, me and Izzie are going to the bead store. Izzie makes jewelry, and I was talking to her about wanting a braclet. ;-)

It's going to be pink and red, and hopefully look AMAZING when done. I want it to be just as much art, as it is a reminder of why I'm doing this. Maybe I'll even post a picture when it's done.

Also need to get Laundry done 0.o

and grocery shopping,

and a bike ride with Izzie and Will,

and hockey and beer. (Because PS I am a GINORMOUS Red Wings fan, and it's playoffs bitches!)

Plus Nicole is getting into town late tomorrow night (like during the wings game -_-).

I don't know if there are enough hours in the day! I need to just get it all done!

Hopefully I'll talk to you all soon! Love ya's

~Wendy

Worst pies in London

Reason #7 to be Skinny:

Because all good rock stars are!


So awake this morning, and had breakfast. Cinnamon Toast Crunch and milk (175). I technically should be alternating breakfasts, so that my calorie count keeps switching up, but meh.

Some dude has been chainsawing outside of my apartment for the last hour and a half. Ughhh I guess it was a good thing I didn't try and sleep in!

So I'm really writing this entry to just try and get some things out of my head, and on to (paper?) blog.

Tonight is dreaded Thursday dinner night. I was going to cook, but I have a lot of cleaning to get done in the next 24 hours and Will jumped on volunteering. Awesome. So since it's food out of my control again, I'm going to try and eat the bare fucking minimum that I can get away with. That is plan A.

I'm just hoping that he doesn't make anything too bad, because he uses my apartment to cook, and the last time it was his turn, my apartment smelled like fried foods for almost 2 weeks! =o

Also, tomorrow my friend Nicole is coming into town to visit me. She told me this like 2 days ago. She's also been VERY vague on her plans (like how long she's staying etc.) So my plan is to go to the store and get some bread and turkey, so that we have that around for lunch. I'll still eat salad, but that way she has another option and doesn't think it's weird. I'm also going to make something I guess. Hopefully low calorie. Maybe the Tuna noodle broccoli thing I make. It's like under 300 calories in a serving, but it only makes 4 servings. So basically No matter how much Nicole has I can still keep it split up into acceptable portions afterwards =) and that way I don't have to explain my dividing of food, and she can have as much food as she wants. Thus making her less suspicious of me!

Okay, so that's the plan to get me through until at least Monday. Then we start a whole new week.

Trying to stay strong here. Peace out!

~Wendy

P.S. Charlie and Z thank you so much for reading and commenting. It's super nice to know that other people out there care like I do ^_^ <3

I'm in Distress

Reason #6 to be Skinny:

So I won't feel embarrassed when I go to the gym.


Weighed in this morning 189.2

It's not what I wanted, but at least it's in the 80's. Plus it means my BMI is still in the "overweight" zone and not the "obese" zone. I need to take these small victories.

The day itself was pretty uneventful. Other than me wanting to tell my job where to show it. My boss just likes to insult my intelligence every other time I work. Argh! I don't even want to talk about it.

So For breakfast I had Cinnamon Toast crunch with fat free milk (175).

Lunch I had a small salad (90).

Dinner was another fresh steamer thing. This time Chicken pad thai (270). It was actually kinda gross. I don't recommend that one. although it was bearable after I added pepper flakes to it. I love pepper flakes, I have rediscovered my love of them. =D

Crimson tide came in today too, so I let myself have a snack of chocolate sugar free pudding. I thought it was within the 50 calorie limit, but turns out it's actually (60). Well, I guess I know for next time =/ and today is fail for sticking to the rules. =(

Calorie total was 595, still under 600.

I need to head to bed now though since I am getting random food cravings. Breakfast comes first thing in the morning. Night all.

~Wendy