I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me...

Why in the flying fuck to I have to end every good day on a bad note? Seriously! What the fuck?

I was doing so well today! I was up early and was drinking water!

I've been tired and unable to concentrate all frigging day, but I was still doing it!

I looked through my recipe books for all the low cal options, I even smelled the food in my fridge for gods sake and I was still doing it!

My neighbor down stairs was cooking dinner and I almost lost it, I could smell the chicken and potatoes and all I wanted was food, but I still said no!

=(

I was finally starting to think that I might need some sugar in my system (I do suffer low blood sugar at times) so I went to look and see how many calories were in Swiss Miss. I grabbed the box, and I noticed it felt weird when I pulled it, like it was sitting on something. Since the shelf is way taller than me, I reached up and pulled out and unopened bag of Robins eggs. Yes, that stupid Easter candy that I love so much. How the hell there was still and ENTIRE UNOPENED bag up there was beyond me!

I grabbed that bag and had it cut open and poured into a bowl with only minimal "no... wait... that's a bad idea"s from my damn brain! I was sitting on my couch with the whole bad before I even realized I put them in a bowl!

I ate 4.

4 of those fucking things are 103 calories! Lucky for me after 4, something in my brain kicked in and said "What the flying fuck are you doing??? You don't binge!"

Jeeze brain, you could have told me that like a minute ago at least! At least I managed to stop myself, put the rest of the bowl back in the bag, taped is shut, and put it away to never be seen again (Hopefully, since I don't have the will power to throw out one of my favorite candies ever!).

After that I figured two things

1) I still needed sugar (So I got a glass of coke that I had planned on yesterday 200 calories)
and
2) I should eat something so it doesn't happen again tonight. (I grabbed one of the prepackaged dinners I had made myself, so the Hamburger Hot Dish I ate was 420 calories)

I'm done now, and the total is 723!

FUCK MY LIFE! >_<

seriously FUCK!

fucking whatever. I can't believe I did that. I failed epically. Fuck! Where is your self control Wendy?????? My life is fucked. I'm going to be a fat fucking cow forever.

Damn it....... I'm finish watching this tv show and going to bed in about and hour and a half. I know I should stay up and let this food digest, but I need to get up early and study for these 3 fucking tests tomorrow since I haven't gotten shit done today. Fuck my life!

=(

~Wendy

I want it so bad I'd shoot the sunshine into my veins...

So today was an official weigh in day. The scale was much nicer to me than expected. It said 196.8 this morning. That means I've lost 5.2 lbs in the last week! =D

That's really exciting, and gives me the power to go on! Today is a fasting day, so hopefully the zero calories will jump start my way into the next weigh in!

I'm on cloud 9 right now. I just hope it lasts =/

I'm going to be so bored today though because I have massive amounts of homework to do, and I made a deal with myself I wouldn't turn on the TV today until it's done.

Well he's to hoping for 5.2 more!

Ciao,
~Wendy

If today was my last day....

Hey yo,

I'm posting a little buzzed right now, but that's how life goes.

For the record, no matter how many calories are in alcohol I will NEVER be able to say no. I LOVE drinking! =D

The rest of my night did finish out pretty strong. I made a casserole for dinner, and made sure to divide it up into proper portions and label each one. Tonights dinner was a "Hamburger Hot Dish" casserole worth 420 calories. It was higher than I wanted it to be, but still my daily total came in at 730 calories!

I love sports by the way. Yes, I'm one of those girls, and damn proud of it! So I went out to see my college play hockey tonight. Had a great time at the game, but the guys sitting around me smelled like they had been pre-gaming (and gaming in between periods too). They were hilarious though, and I really enjoyed sitting next to them. Too bad I never asked any of them who they were.

After that I went out with my friends Izzie and Will* to the bar. We were drinking to celebrate that Will's family was in town. I like them, they are cool people. Anyways, I had 2 margarita's and a long island ice tea. I have no idea how many calories are in those, but as I said, I don't really count them. I'll tell you I was drinking, but I can't count them in.

I also managed to stay away from almost all bar food, chips and all. I did have 2 pieces of fried pickles though. I gave in because I know that pickles in general are a low calorie food, so I figured that they would be ok-ish. I also just didn't want to attrack wierd looks, especially around the familiy. Hopefully that doesn't kill me. I should have held out longer and said no. =/

Anyways, tomorrow morning is my first official weigh in. I'm kind of afraid of what the scale will say. At least if it's bad tomorrow is a water fast. Well, technically it is either way, but you get what I mean. I hope that goes well. If worse comes to worse it will be a liquid only fast (my blood sugar has been know to drop very low on me before, and I might NEED to intake some sugar if so), soda or coffee at the worst.

Well, I'm off for the night. Hopefully the scale is nice to me in the morning. I've found that first thing in the morning after you pee gives you the best numbers. Here's to hoping!

~Wendy



*Note: All names are changed

Work it....

Dearest Readers,

I feel like I'm amidst loads of failure today. I'm so unmotivated that it is literally killing me right now.

Clearly I have not worked out today, and my lazy ass is telling me it won't be happening. =( My official weigh in is tomorrow morning, and I'm hoping that it doesn't kill me. I really don't feel any smaller, but I have at least been restricting all week. That should count for something, right?

I have 3 tests on Monday, and I have a shit ton of homework to do! Am I doing it? Nope, because I've been sitting here worrying about food all morning!

At least that's paying off! I'm done with breakfast and lunch today, and my calorie total is at 220! That makes me feel amazing!

But then I remember it would be better if I got up and worked out, and I feel less amazing by far.... =(

Got to get some shit done and make it through the rest of the day!

On a good note though, there is an America's Next Top Model marathon on! There is nothing more thinspirational than looking at models all day!

Relaxing,
~Wendy

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep

Dearest Readers,

Why am I always so tired nowadays???

It's like every time I go to sleep I toss and turn, and am only half asleep the entire night. That was me since this semester started! Only the last 2 nights, I've been sleeping soundly. It hasn't stopped me from literally almost passing out from exhaustion the last 2 night though!

The cold weather isn't helping any either. I had being cold! Makes me just want to curl up and just go to sleep! I need to live in a warmer climate. No.... really.

If you haven't guessed, I'm making excuses again about working out. I'm exhausted, it's late, and I am working out first thing in the morning anyways! =(

I'm not really buying it either, and it's ruining what was a good night otherwise. I just can't bring myself to get up and move. I don't know if I can. I'm THAT tired.

On a positive note, I won my battle with food today! 625 calories all day! I'm planning on it being just as low tomorrow, if not lower! =D Fuck you food! I'm winning this battle!

Also still planning on water fasting Sunday. Seems like a perfect idea to me! I actually can't wait!

Well until tomorrow I guess, think thin! Hopefully not working out doesn't bite me in the ass!

~Wendy =/

Cherry bomb!

Dearest Readers,

Today was just an oddly rough day. It wasn't good, but it wasn't bad either.

I was having motivation problems in every part of my life today, and even skipped most of my classes (I'm a full time university student).

I managed to keep most of my eating down to a minimum though! Breakfast was egg whites and a small glass of OJ, and lunch was just some carrots with light Asian dressing, and a cereal bar. All in all coming into dinner my calorie total was around 500. I felt very accomplished.

A friend of mine came over to cook for me and some other friends tonight. I tried to keep everything to a minimum, and even made a point of filling up on salad before we brought out the stew he made.

I had promised myself that I would only have one small bowl of it ahead of time, and I did manage to stick to take thanks to divine intervention. I thought the stew was amazing, and had already started bargaining with myself to have another half a bowl. But lucky for me that since I had taken so long eating the first bowl there was only broth in the bottom of the pot when I got up. I was thankful that something stepped in on my behalf and was looking out for me! It's exciting that I didn't end up blowing my whole day (even if I did have a breadstick or two =/).

Unfortunately for me since I didn't make any of dinner tonight I have no idea what the hell the calorie count is... guess I just have to assume a lot =/ The other unfortunate part is that I didn't get in a work out today. I was planning on doing pilates. There is still some time to get it in, but I'm extremely exhausted from doing nothing all day, and need to get up early for work in the morning.

I know I know, I'm making excuses but I will get my workout in tomorrow! Come hell or high water I will be working out tomorrow! It's going to be a challenge too let me tell you! I'm not lying when I say that I'm a very busy person, and tomorrow is one of those days. Literally the first time I will have more that 10 minutes to myself to work out, that is not booked with friends and such will be after midnight! But fuck I will get it in! Hold me to it! I WILL get that work out in!

This is for the record why I love when my muscles are sore after the gym. Every time my muscle aches it reminds me to work out. Working out even helps stretch out the muscles so they hurt a little less. Today is the first day since Monday that my muscles haven't been sore and look where the hell it got me!

On a good note though, when I ran to the grocery store earlier to get some ingredients for dinner tonight I found something amazing! Kraft makes a "Free Caesar Italian" dressing that is only 25 calories per serving! It tastes fucking amazing too! I rarely have it anymore, but Caesar dressing is my favorite! Totally horrible for you, and has a days worth of calories, but still my favorite! This was a very exciting find!

One last note. I've been considering doing water fasts on Sundays, just to get myself ready for the week and such. It seems to be the perfect day for such a thing, since I'm not needed first thing the next morning, and I'm usually just sitting around doing homework on Sunday. Besides, tons of people still fast on Sunday, right? Health permitting I'm going to do this!

Until later,
~Wendy

I've found a reason for me, to change who I use to be

Dearest Readers,

I don't know who you are, or if you even exist right now. My life has recently become an uncertain whirling mess. The only thing I can be sure of anymore is that I need to change.

There are many things wrong with me, and many of them are out of my control. Don't get me wrong now, I love me. That's no lie, I REALLY love me, but I am also nowhere near perfect. While I can admit that I will never be perfect, being closer wouldn't hurt =)

I'm about to start on a life changing journey, and since I hope that you will come along and support me, I guess I should tell you a little bit more about myself.

When I woke up Monday morning, I stepped on the scale and one of my worst nightmares had come true. My weight is above the 200lb mark. It's not the highest I've been, but it's too close for comfort. When I was at my heaviest, I decided to make a change, and lost 10lbs, then through perseverance and going vegetarian, I lost another 10, bringing my total down to 190. I stayed there for a long time. This time last year I got a bad case of the flu, and dropped another 10lbs over night. I was the smallest I'd ever been at 180!

Since the last 10 lbs came off literally overnight, everyone kept telling me that I would gain it right back. "It's just water weight!" they said. They were wrong. I was 180lbs for over 6 months!

So what happened? I started eating meat again, and moved out on my own. Living by yourself should make dieting easier, right? Well leave it to me to screw that one up. One to many trips to the drive thru with friends, and over the last few months my weight has crept back up until it has reached my current nightmare.

I know this isn't me, and it shouldn't have to be! I'm tired of living in this nightmare. It's time to wake up. So now here I am. Time to take control back again!

Although I live on my own, my life is very busy. There are days when exercising is the last thing on my mind. Being a full time university student can take it's toll. Not anymore! Everyday since Monday, I've MADE time to work out. It's going to be the same way from now on!

For all intensive purposes you may call me Wendy. It's not my real name, but it will suit our needs. I'm hopping that this blog will be a place that I can be brutally honest and open. It takes accountability to win this war, and I want to post not only my successes, but also my failures. That's the reason that I choose to remain anonymous.

I have currently vowed to weigh myself only once a week, and I will change my stats (upper right) accordingly. I could use a friend to help me with this, since none of my real friends understand.

I NEED help, but from this moment I'm taking back my life.

Game on,
Wendy