I've been happy.
I've been very happy.
I've been seeing this guy, Aaron, and he makes me happy. He likes me for the way I am. He wakes me up in the morning telling me I'm beautiful, or sexy, or hot. He makes me feel relaxed in what has possibly been the most awful year of my life, with the last few months being the worst of it all.
I believe every word he says because of the way he looks at me. Despite the fact I KNOW that I should, I can't doubt him, because I don't feel like I need to.
It's wonderful.
It's part of the reason I've stayed away for so long again. I've been content and happy.
I eat like a normal person, and don't worry about it. Okay, well almost like a normal person. Aaron likes to point out that I barely eat anything, and seem to survive on purely existing. But if he only knew how little I survived on earlier this year.
I still can't eat over a serving of anything, and I still read the Nutrition info on pretty much everything I pick up. I don't count... well, okay, I don't write down calories. I do keep an average in my head though.
So, if I'm doing so well, how do I end up back here?
My abs is how I end up here.
I hate them.
Literally that one part of my body I have obsessed on since I hit puberty.
Fucking abs.
They seem to be the center of attention lately, and that brings out the insecurity in me.
I asked for a gym membership for Christmas. I want to take up running. If nothing else, I am going to start logging some miles on the treadmill. I want to become a runner.
So I'm waiting until tomorrow to see if I get my gym membership. If not, I'm buying one anyways.
So as I get sidetracked... the real reason I ended up back here today...
So my abs have been really bothering me lately. I look at myself in the mirror and think, "You look great, if only you could flatten out those abs." It's a thought that has been popping into my head over and over again the last few weeks, more and more frequently.
My apartment has the smallest hot water tank I have ever seen. It's a rush to get in and out of a shower in 10 minutes before ALL you can get is cold water.
So yesterday I'm in the shower, and just as I'm finishing, the cold water kicks in. Now instead of getting out, this little thought pops into my head.
"No, stand here."
"Why?"
"You know why!"
"Okay." And I just stand there as the water gradually gets colder and colder.
"Can I get out now?"
"No!"
"Then when?"
"When you're shivering."
"But I don't get it."
"You deserve this."
"I know."
"At least this will burn some of those calories you ate."
Now, I know this is going to sound strange, but that was literally the first time I had thought about calories in at least a week and a half. I felt guilty, suddenly all I could think about was everything that I ate, and didn't count. I stood in that cold water for another 5 minutes, and I still feel like it should have been longer.
I don't know what this means, but I've never wished I had a tread mill more in my life.
Not sure what this will bring. Guess we'll just have to see...
~Wendy
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