Don't stop baby!

I'm still not sure what to do with this. =/

It's kind of like coming home to a ghost town. There are a few people here and there, but so many people just dropped off the map! Of course, I'm not one to speak because I was one of them.

I've been awake for a few hours now and I still haven't left my room. The only reason to leave, is to go downstairs and eat. My stomach is growling, and truth be told, if there was ANYTHING even remotely appealing in my cupboards, I'd be down there eating it.

I still can't decide if being so broke I don't own food is a good thing or a bad thing? (P.S. The reason I'm so broke is that I had to leave that amazing new job I had found. Yeah, and basically can't find another job at all now, so the dollars are running a bit low)

Downstairs there is a half a cup of rice, 2 boxes of chicken soup (the kind with just noodles), Crackers with peanut butter, saltines, and one box of chicken flavored rice.

That is literally ALL I have. The really bad part is, all I want to eat right now is like a cup of fruit, or a spinach salad (I might be pretty iron deficient at the moment). That's not even bad food to want is it???

Stupid food, always the depressing part of my life. I actually had really good news at school, yesterday =D I'd love to share it, but I'm not even telling people in real life, yet! Let's just say that it left a HUGE smile on my face though!!!! =D

Now to talk about my weight.

Weighed myself yesterday all proper like at 189.5lbs! I find this good news because it means I'm below the dreaded 190 mark! Fuck you 190! At the same time this feel like bad news, because it's been almost 3 months since I've been active in this blog, and I'm still fighting the same damn mark!

Then logic kicks in.

Logic tells me that since I kinda fell off the wagon a bit, I should be damn happy that I didn't gain weight in those 3 months. I should be happy to have stayed the same! But hell, I lost 4 lbs! That's pretty damn good, right? I mean that in the I'm not a complete failure, right?

I want to jump right back on the plan again, but I hesitate. Part of that is because of the new guy (still not ready to give lots of details). See he really does seem to like me for the way I am. In fact he tells me often how he loves the confidence I have (I'm a good liar, no?). He isn't one of those judgmental assholes, and yeah, again, not fully ready to talk about it.

Basic point here is that I REALLY wouldn't want to screw this up because of stupid shit. Should I just stay away from the plan then? Should I make a new one? Should I only stick to the plan when I'm by myself, and just be watchful when I'm not? He already knows I eat less then him normally, and doesn't seem to even mind. I don't want to fuck this up!

But hell, let's be real. I've kind of been involuntarily thrown back onto the plan anyways! Have you seen my cupboards????

I'm just hungry.

and I love and hate it all at once.

~Wendy

The things I went through to avoid you

It's been months since I've been on here.

Wow.

I don't remember ever making the decision to stay away. Just one day I put it off, and then off, and then off again, until eventually I just forgot to come back.

I never really forgot you guys. I could never do that, but things have changed for me.

Actually since I wrote to you guys last, my life completely fell apart on me.

Remember Chris? Well things went on there for awhile (more like just ended at the beginning of the month.) He turned out to be an asshole in the 'oh god I'm glad I didn't sleep with him...oh shit, i did' kind of way. The funny part? I'm still friends with him. Legit like.

I've even moved on to the next guy. (Wow, I really do sound like a whore these days.) I'm not really ready to tell you about him yet though. My love life is going low key for awhile until I figure out what the hell is going on with it. Only thing I will say, is with this guy, I feel relaxed.

My life has gone to financial hell lately too. I even moved to save some money. So now, instead of having an apartment all to myself to do whatever I want in, I live with 3 other girls! Ahhhhh! It's like my worst nightmare! The one plus is that we never eat together! So no one really cares what I'm doing. Bad part, we have a shared fridge and pantry, and they all know how little food I keep around. Shit.

Good side of being broke is that I can't afford food! So there is no need to be tempted. Seriously I think there is nothing but rice in my side of the pantry!

When I moved in, I hid my scale in the bathroom. I use to keep it in my room, but the carpeting here makes it read wrong. (like 40ish lbs wrong!!!!!) I've been afraid to step on it lately. I did though this morning for the first time since moving in. With clothes on, I weighed 189.4! I'm not going to update my sidebar yet until things are for sure stable, but hey, improvement! (despite it being 3 months since my last weigh in).

I don't want to sound all depressing or anything but things have just been rough. I've wanted to go home (you know to the next state over) and figure things out so bad, but even talking to my mom today she told me that it was probably better if I didn't because my dad is MEGA pissed at me. Fuck then, so much for that. =/

I'm not really sure why I'm here right now. Maybe I'm looking for support. Maybe I'm looking for someone that will just tell me that things will be alright. Maybe I'm looking for someone to tell me to suck it up and get my fat ass on a treadmill, sitting around never helped anything. I can't tell you really.

I'm not here with promises to be better. I'm just here to tell you how I've been. I want to get back on my plan, but at the moment I'm just taking things one day at a time. I don't even have the mental capacity to follow my own plan. To much time and thinking. It's gonna need some work.

I guess that that then. I just stopped by to say....

I'm still alive.

and tomorrow, I'll still be here too.

~Wendy

I'm not the desperate type!

Remember the boy I mentioned?

His name is Chris.

Things are moving pretty fast between the 2 of us! I am completely happy, but super nervous.

He's seen all my facebook photos. He still tells me I'm sexy and cute. O.o I want to believe him, because he's gorgeous! Why would someone like him want someone who looks like me?

He's even coming to visit me this weekend. So time to clean up and act like a sane person!

I wish more than anything that I was 185 again. Just 185! Just for this weekend! =( Not gonna happen.

I've been by no means slouching though! In fact I'm under 190 again, and have lost 5-6 lbs ish in the last 2 weeks!!!! =)

Still doesn't feel like enough though.

Will it ever be enough.

He seems way to good to be true...


Here's to keeping my head, and hopefully making a good impression.


Terrified,
~Wendy

Let's play a love game

Report: Operation Rock Star - Day 2


Mission #1: Obtain Diet Control

Status - UNKNOWN
I stuck strictly to my plan until dinner tonight. Then Will and Izzie came over, and we had oven pizza. I had 2 slices, but I don't know the calories in that. So overall I have no idea if I went over 800 calories today. I really hope not.


Mission #2: Follow Running Plan

Status: FAIL
Still raining today. Wanted to do DDR, but my living room is a mess, and I had nowhere to put the dance mat.


Mission #3: Study for the GRE

Status: SUCCESS
Got another Lesson done. I hope it keeps going this well, so I can ace this thing.


Mission #4: Guitar Lessons

Status: FAIL
Still didn't look at the guitar. Something I'll talk about at the bottom though has motivated me. you'll see.


Mission #5: Work towards language certification

Status: Fail
I wasn't even trying. Although, I did at least LOOK at these books.


Other Comments:

So yes, I kinda met a boy today. By meet, I mean that by a crazy random happenstance I happened to be texting with him.

He seems cool, and I'm hopeful that I'll talk to him again. I'm also panicked about that because, he'll eventually want to know what I look like, and I'm still fat! So now I must work harder.

Tomorrow is Izzie's birthday, and I'm going out to eat with people. Gonna be as good as possible, just must find something safe on the menu. pfft yeah, well I'll try to at least.

Oh, and I have news for anyone that lives in the USA

Sorry, you'll prolly not like it. I know I didn't

I was watching the today show, and they did a investigation on frozen diet foods (like lean cuisine and such). They tested the nutritional values of the food and compared it to the box. None of them were right!

Granted, some were lower than reported, but what the fuck. It all comes down to the law though.

Apparently, the FDA regulates that food companies must be within 20% of the actual calorie count.

What the Fuck?!? 20% is NOT an acceptable margin of error!

What's worse, is other nutritional info can be worse! The one I REALLY remember from the report was that Smart Choice Orange Chicken was the worse. It had 350% more fat in it than was reported on the label 0.o

I think I might barf.

Watch out girls, apparently you can't trust anything you don't cook yourself!

Well, I must scram and get some sleep before work. I never sleep anymore.

Stay Strong guys! It's important!

~Wendy

I love rock and roll!

Report: Operation Rock Star - Day 1


Mission #1: Obtain Diet Control

Status - FAIL
Wasn't able to stick to the 800 calories. =( I'm thinking about letting myself split the breakfast calories between breakfast and snack. That way I can be sure to keep after work binges under control. That's my main problem right now.

I did say no to both popcorn and skittles when offered to me though. =)

Also, not gonna count liquid calories for awhile. If I feel low energy, than right now I'd rather grab a sugary drink than eat until I can't stop. =/


Mission #2: Follow Running Plan

Status - FAIL
It rained today, all day. This is an acceptable reason to not get outside, but I didn't manage to make up for it inside, so that's still a fail. =(


Mission #3: Study for the GRE

Status - SUCCESS
I got a chapter done. I only finished 10 minutes ago, but it's done! =)


Mission #4: Guitar Lessons

Status - FAIL
I honestly didn't even look at the guitar today. Damn.


Mission #5: Work towards language certification

Status - FAIL
Who's surprised really?????


Other Comments:

Today was obviously not a great success. I don't expect tomorrow to be MUCH better, but it will hopefully be better. At least one more mission will succeed.

Not a great way to start off this new operation. =/

In other notes we have a new guy at work. Time will tell if I can actually stand him. I need a raise.

Also went shopping, and got good low cal food back in my house. This will hopefully cut the binging because there is not much bad left. Before I was basically going through the dregs of my cupboards and the results were not good.

I hope everyone else is doing better than me.

Well, you live and learn
~Wendy

You ripped my heart out

It feels so good to be back!

Tomorrow is the official launch of Operation Rock Star:

The goal is to write everyday that internet is available. I hope you guys like me because you will be hearing a lot from me.

Operation Rock Star breaks down like this....


Mission #1: Obtain Diet Control

This consists of sticking to the plan. Mostly the original plan with some calorie count changes. 200-200-400 for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The goal is to not go over 800 calories in a day.

Weigh-ins will still be Wednesdays, starting next week.


Mission #2: Follow Running plan

Since I basically suck ass at running, I'm going to take up a basic beginner's running plan. the goal is to follow the plan every day possible. Reason's to miss include rain, and temperatures below 45 degrees Fahrenheit. One those days the workout must be supplemented with an indoor activity such as DDR.


Mission #3: Study for the GRE

There should be a lesson worked on every day. GRE score is essential to make up for my failed class on my transcript. There is no backup plan if I don't make it to grad school. This is the only option.


Mission #4: Guitar Lessons

I'm going to be actively working towards improving my guitar skills. A new lesson must be completed EVERYDAY.


Mission #5: Work towards language certification

Complete a few lesson's every day. Exceptions can apply when things such as GRE studies conflict. Goal is to become more fluent and able to work above certification levels.




Daily reports will be made in each area, a long with any interesting topics that come up for discussion.


You guys ready?

Let's rock this summer B-)

~Wendy

Today for you, tomorrow for me

OMG I missed you all soooooooo bad.

If it seems like I haven't been around in awhile, it's because I haven't been.

My computer decided to shit out on me.

I haven't known what to do with myself, since my computer is like my life line. No internet, no thinspo photos, NO MUSIC!

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Anyways, the techs I took it to managed to patch it back together, but it looks like I am in the market for a new computer soon.

Anyways, I'm glad to be back. It seems like for one reason or another I've been gone forever.

Tomorrow, I'll be back to add details of Operation Rock Star, my summer life plan, which will launch on Tuesday.

I miss you all, and I'll be catching up on blogs as soon as possible!

~Wendy