and she is shy apparently

New year, New Me.

Isn't that what we all say every year? Yet somehow, I start each year with the same goal. Lose weight. I have the same goal, yet I never really get any closer.

This year I'm trying something different. None of my goals revolve around food. In fact I have one goal, and that's to run. I've started a beginners running plan, and I'm working on making sure I stick to it every day.

I run when and how they tell me to run, and I rest when they tell me to rest. Nothing stupid.

I just finished the first week. Last week I started the plan at 190lbs. Today's weigh in at the one week mark was 188.4lbs.

That's without any real dieting too! I dunno how to feel about that, but I sure as hell hope it keeps up.

Now don't get me wrong, not dieting by no way means that I'm eating normal. In fact in most cases I'm really not. I average eating one small normal meal a day, and getting by the rest of the time on water or some coffee.

Plus, because I'm still weird like that, I have gone up to 2 days or so without eating at a time.

Anyways, here's to literally getting my ass moving!

~Wendy

P.S. I felt bad about still struggling with that 190 mark, but after looking back to last year, I was struggling with the 200 mark all the time. Is it bad of me to think that's something at least?

Walk on Streets of Gold

I started this blog almost a year ago (at the end of the month).

It's been touch and go.

2010 was the worst year of my life.

But all that aside, I am still 20 lbs lighter than I was at this time last year.

This year, I vow to A) take up running, and B) finally get down to that goal. It's doable, now to just get up and do it.

Here's to the new year. Let's keep it going.

~Wendy

What's my name?

Take one guess on who has managed to get her shit down to 186 this last week?

It may be fucking pathetic that I'll celebrate 186, but fuck yes!

Tonight, I'm thinking an all liquid diet, and staying up all night to burn it off.

Happy Fucking New Year Bitches!!!!


~Wendy

Raise your hands if you are wrong in all the right ways.

I've been happy.

I've been very happy.


I've been seeing this guy, Aaron, and he makes me happy. He likes me for the way I am. He wakes me up in the morning telling me I'm beautiful, or sexy, or hot. He makes me feel relaxed in what has possibly been the most awful year of my life, with the last few months being the worst of it all.

I believe every word he says because of the way he looks at me. Despite the fact I KNOW that I should, I can't doubt him, because I don't feel like I need to.

It's wonderful.

It's part of the reason I've stayed away for so long again. I've been content and happy.

I eat like a normal person, and don't worry about it. Okay, well almost like a normal person. Aaron likes to point out that I barely eat anything, and seem to survive on purely existing. But if he only knew how little I survived on earlier this year.

I still can't eat over a serving of anything, and I still read the Nutrition info on pretty much everything I pick up. I don't count... well, okay, I don't write down calories. I do keep an average in my head though.

So, if I'm doing so well, how do I end up back here?

My abs is how I end up here.

I hate them.

Literally that one part of my body I have obsessed on since I hit puberty.

Fucking abs.

They seem to be the center of attention lately, and that brings out the insecurity in me.

I asked for a gym membership for Christmas. I want to take up running. If nothing else, I am going to start logging some miles on the treadmill. I want to become a runner.

So I'm waiting until tomorrow to see if I get my gym membership. If not, I'm buying one anyways.

So as I get sidetracked... the real reason I ended up back here today...

So my abs have been really bothering me lately. I look at myself in the mirror and think, "You look great, if only you could flatten out those abs." It's a thought that has been popping into my head over and over again the last few weeks, more and more frequently.

My apartment has the smallest hot water tank I have ever seen. It's a rush to get in and out of a shower in 10 minutes before ALL you can get is cold water.

So yesterday I'm in the shower, and just as I'm finishing, the cold water kicks in. Now instead of getting out, this little thought pops into my head.

"No, stand here."

"Why?"

"You know why!"

"Okay." And I just stand there as the water gradually gets colder and colder.

"Can I get out now?"

"No!"

"Then when?"

"When you're shivering."

"But I don't get it."

"You deserve this."

"I know."

"At least this will burn some of those calories you ate."

Now, I know this is going to sound strange, but that was literally the first time I had thought about calories in at least a week and a half. I felt guilty, suddenly all I could think about was everything that I ate, and didn't count. I stood in that cold water for another 5 minutes, and I still feel like it should have been longer.

I don't know what this means, but I've never wished I had a tread mill more in my life.

Not sure what this will bring. Guess we'll just have to see...

~Wendy

Don't stop baby!

I'm still not sure what to do with this. =/

It's kind of like coming home to a ghost town. There are a few people here and there, but so many people just dropped off the map! Of course, I'm not one to speak because I was one of them.

I've been awake for a few hours now and I still haven't left my room. The only reason to leave, is to go downstairs and eat. My stomach is growling, and truth be told, if there was ANYTHING even remotely appealing in my cupboards, I'd be down there eating it.

I still can't decide if being so broke I don't own food is a good thing or a bad thing? (P.S. The reason I'm so broke is that I had to leave that amazing new job I had found. Yeah, and basically can't find another job at all now, so the dollars are running a bit low)

Downstairs there is a half a cup of rice, 2 boxes of chicken soup (the kind with just noodles), Crackers with peanut butter, saltines, and one box of chicken flavored rice.

That is literally ALL I have. The really bad part is, all I want to eat right now is like a cup of fruit, or a spinach salad (I might be pretty iron deficient at the moment). That's not even bad food to want is it???

Stupid food, always the depressing part of my life. I actually had really good news at school, yesterday =D I'd love to share it, but I'm not even telling people in real life, yet! Let's just say that it left a HUGE smile on my face though!!!! =D

Now to talk about my weight.

Weighed myself yesterday all proper like at 189.5lbs! I find this good news because it means I'm below the dreaded 190 mark! Fuck you 190! At the same time this feel like bad news, because it's been almost 3 months since I've been active in this blog, and I'm still fighting the same damn mark!

Then logic kicks in.

Logic tells me that since I kinda fell off the wagon a bit, I should be damn happy that I didn't gain weight in those 3 months. I should be happy to have stayed the same! But hell, I lost 4 lbs! That's pretty damn good, right? I mean that in the I'm not a complete failure, right?

I want to jump right back on the plan again, but I hesitate. Part of that is because of the new guy (still not ready to give lots of details). See he really does seem to like me for the way I am. In fact he tells me often how he loves the confidence I have (I'm a good liar, no?). He isn't one of those judgmental assholes, and yeah, again, not fully ready to talk about it.

Basic point here is that I REALLY wouldn't want to screw this up because of stupid shit. Should I just stay away from the plan then? Should I make a new one? Should I only stick to the plan when I'm by myself, and just be watchful when I'm not? He already knows I eat less then him normally, and doesn't seem to even mind. I don't want to fuck this up!

But hell, let's be real. I've kind of been involuntarily thrown back onto the plan anyways! Have you seen my cupboards????

I'm just hungry.

and I love and hate it all at once.

~Wendy

The things I went through to avoid you

It's been months since I've been on here.

Wow.

I don't remember ever making the decision to stay away. Just one day I put it off, and then off, and then off again, until eventually I just forgot to come back.

I never really forgot you guys. I could never do that, but things have changed for me.

Actually since I wrote to you guys last, my life completely fell apart on me.

Remember Chris? Well things went on there for awhile (more like just ended at the beginning of the month.) He turned out to be an asshole in the 'oh god I'm glad I didn't sleep with him...oh shit, i did' kind of way. The funny part? I'm still friends with him. Legit like.

I've even moved on to the next guy. (Wow, I really do sound like a whore these days.) I'm not really ready to tell you about him yet though. My love life is going low key for awhile until I figure out what the hell is going on with it. Only thing I will say, is with this guy, I feel relaxed.

My life has gone to financial hell lately too. I even moved to save some money. So now, instead of having an apartment all to myself to do whatever I want in, I live with 3 other girls! Ahhhhh! It's like my worst nightmare! The one plus is that we never eat together! So no one really cares what I'm doing. Bad part, we have a shared fridge and pantry, and they all know how little food I keep around. Shit.

Good side of being broke is that I can't afford food! So there is no need to be tempted. Seriously I think there is nothing but rice in my side of the pantry!

When I moved in, I hid my scale in the bathroom. I use to keep it in my room, but the carpeting here makes it read wrong. (like 40ish lbs wrong!!!!!) I've been afraid to step on it lately. I did though this morning for the first time since moving in. With clothes on, I weighed 189.4! I'm not going to update my sidebar yet until things are for sure stable, but hey, improvement! (despite it being 3 months since my last weigh in).

I don't want to sound all depressing or anything but things have just been rough. I've wanted to go home (you know to the next state over) and figure things out so bad, but even talking to my mom today she told me that it was probably better if I didn't because my dad is MEGA pissed at me. Fuck then, so much for that. =/

I'm not really sure why I'm here right now. Maybe I'm looking for support. Maybe I'm looking for someone that will just tell me that things will be alright. Maybe I'm looking for someone to tell me to suck it up and get my fat ass on a treadmill, sitting around never helped anything. I can't tell you really.

I'm not here with promises to be better. I'm just here to tell you how I've been. I want to get back on my plan, but at the moment I'm just taking things one day at a time. I don't even have the mental capacity to follow my own plan. To much time and thinking. It's gonna need some work.

I guess that that then. I just stopped by to say....

I'm still alive.

and tomorrow, I'll still be here too.

~Wendy

I'm not the desperate type!

Remember the boy I mentioned?

His name is Chris.

Things are moving pretty fast between the 2 of us! I am completely happy, but super nervous.

He's seen all my facebook photos. He still tells me I'm sexy and cute. O.o I want to believe him, because he's gorgeous! Why would someone like him want someone who looks like me?

He's even coming to visit me this weekend. So time to clean up and act like a sane person!

I wish more than anything that I was 185 again. Just 185! Just for this weekend! =( Not gonna happen.

I've been by no means slouching though! In fact I'm under 190 again, and have lost 5-6 lbs ish in the last 2 weeks!!!! =)

Still doesn't feel like enough though.

Will it ever be enough.

He seems way to good to be true...


Here's to keeping my head, and hopefully making a good impression.


Terrified,
~Wendy