What's my name?

Take one guess on who has managed to get her shit down to 186 this last week?

It may be fucking pathetic that I'll celebrate 186, but fuck yes!

Tonight, I'm thinking an all liquid diet, and staying up all night to burn it off.

Happy Fucking New Year Bitches!!!!


~Wendy

Raise your hands if you are wrong in all the right ways.

I've been happy.

I've been very happy.


I've been seeing this guy, Aaron, and he makes me happy. He likes me for the way I am. He wakes me up in the morning telling me I'm beautiful, or sexy, or hot. He makes me feel relaxed in what has possibly been the most awful year of my life, with the last few months being the worst of it all.

I believe every word he says because of the way he looks at me. Despite the fact I KNOW that I should, I can't doubt him, because I don't feel like I need to.

It's wonderful.

It's part of the reason I've stayed away for so long again. I've been content and happy.

I eat like a normal person, and don't worry about it. Okay, well almost like a normal person. Aaron likes to point out that I barely eat anything, and seem to survive on purely existing. But if he only knew how little I survived on earlier this year.

I still can't eat over a serving of anything, and I still read the Nutrition info on pretty much everything I pick up. I don't count... well, okay, I don't write down calories. I do keep an average in my head though.

So, if I'm doing so well, how do I end up back here?

My abs is how I end up here.

I hate them.

Literally that one part of my body I have obsessed on since I hit puberty.

Fucking abs.

They seem to be the center of attention lately, and that brings out the insecurity in me.

I asked for a gym membership for Christmas. I want to take up running. If nothing else, I am going to start logging some miles on the treadmill. I want to become a runner.

So I'm waiting until tomorrow to see if I get my gym membership. If not, I'm buying one anyways.

So as I get sidetracked... the real reason I ended up back here today...

So my abs have been really bothering me lately. I look at myself in the mirror and think, "You look great, if only you could flatten out those abs." It's a thought that has been popping into my head over and over again the last few weeks, more and more frequently.

My apartment has the smallest hot water tank I have ever seen. It's a rush to get in and out of a shower in 10 minutes before ALL you can get is cold water.

So yesterday I'm in the shower, and just as I'm finishing, the cold water kicks in. Now instead of getting out, this little thought pops into my head.

"No, stand here."

"Why?"

"You know why!"

"Okay." And I just stand there as the water gradually gets colder and colder.

"Can I get out now?"

"No!"

"Then when?"

"When you're shivering."

"But I don't get it."

"You deserve this."

"I know."

"At least this will burn some of those calories you ate."

Now, I know this is going to sound strange, but that was literally the first time I had thought about calories in at least a week and a half. I felt guilty, suddenly all I could think about was everything that I ate, and didn't count. I stood in that cold water for another 5 minutes, and I still feel like it should have been longer.

I don't know what this means, but I've never wished I had a tread mill more in my life.

Not sure what this will bring. Guess we'll just have to see...

~Wendy

Don't stop baby!

I'm still not sure what to do with this. =/

It's kind of like coming home to a ghost town. There are a few people here and there, but so many people just dropped off the map! Of course, I'm not one to speak because I was one of them.

I've been awake for a few hours now and I still haven't left my room. The only reason to leave, is to go downstairs and eat. My stomach is growling, and truth be told, if there was ANYTHING even remotely appealing in my cupboards, I'd be down there eating it.

I still can't decide if being so broke I don't own food is a good thing or a bad thing? (P.S. The reason I'm so broke is that I had to leave that amazing new job I had found. Yeah, and basically can't find another job at all now, so the dollars are running a bit low)

Downstairs there is a half a cup of rice, 2 boxes of chicken soup (the kind with just noodles), Crackers with peanut butter, saltines, and one box of chicken flavored rice.

That is literally ALL I have. The really bad part is, all I want to eat right now is like a cup of fruit, or a spinach salad (I might be pretty iron deficient at the moment). That's not even bad food to want is it???

Stupid food, always the depressing part of my life. I actually had really good news at school, yesterday =D I'd love to share it, but I'm not even telling people in real life, yet! Let's just say that it left a HUGE smile on my face though!!!! =D

Now to talk about my weight.

Weighed myself yesterday all proper like at 189.5lbs! I find this good news because it means I'm below the dreaded 190 mark! Fuck you 190! At the same time this feel like bad news, because it's been almost 3 months since I've been active in this blog, and I'm still fighting the same damn mark!

Then logic kicks in.

Logic tells me that since I kinda fell off the wagon a bit, I should be damn happy that I didn't gain weight in those 3 months. I should be happy to have stayed the same! But hell, I lost 4 lbs! That's pretty damn good, right? I mean that in the I'm not a complete failure, right?

I want to jump right back on the plan again, but I hesitate. Part of that is because of the new guy (still not ready to give lots of details). See he really does seem to like me for the way I am. In fact he tells me often how he loves the confidence I have (I'm a good liar, no?). He isn't one of those judgmental assholes, and yeah, again, not fully ready to talk about it.

Basic point here is that I REALLY wouldn't want to screw this up because of stupid shit. Should I just stay away from the plan then? Should I make a new one? Should I only stick to the plan when I'm by myself, and just be watchful when I'm not? He already knows I eat less then him normally, and doesn't seem to even mind. I don't want to fuck this up!

But hell, let's be real. I've kind of been involuntarily thrown back onto the plan anyways! Have you seen my cupboards????

I'm just hungry.

and I love and hate it all at once.

~Wendy

The things I went through to avoid you

It's been months since I've been on here.

Wow.

I don't remember ever making the decision to stay away. Just one day I put it off, and then off, and then off again, until eventually I just forgot to come back.

I never really forgot you guys. I could never do that, but things have changed for me.

Actually since I wrote to you guys last, my life completely fell apart on me.

Remember Chris? Well things went on there for awhile (more like just ended at the beginning of the month.) He turned out to be an asshole in the 'oh god I'm glad I didn't sleep with him...oh shit, i did' kind of way. The funny part? I'm still friends with him. Legit like.

I've even moved on to the next guy. (Wow, I really do sound like a whore these days.) I'm not really ready to tell you about him yet though. My love life is going low key for awhile until I figure out what the hell is going on with it. Only thing I will say, is with this guy, I feel relaxed.

My life has gone to financial hell lately too. I even moved to save some money. So now, instead of having an apartment all to myself to do whatever I want in, I live with 3 other girls! Ahhhhh! It's like my worst nightmare! The one plus is that we never eat together! So no one really cares what I'm doing. Bad part, we have a shared fridge and pantry, and they all know how little food I keep around. Shit.

Good side of being broke is that I can't afford food! So there is no need to be tempted. Seriously I think there is nothing but rice in my side of the pantry!

When I moved in, I hid my scale in the bathroom. I use to keep it in my room, but the carpeting here makes it read wrong. (like 40ish lbs wrong!!!!!) I've been afraid to step on it lately. I did though this morning for the first time since moving in. With clothes on, I weighed 189.4! I'm not going to update my sidebar yet until things are for sure stable, but hey, improvement! (despite it being 3 months since my last weigh in).

I don't want to sound all depressing or anything but things have just been rough. I've wanted to go home (you know to the next state over) and figure things out so bad, but even talking to my mom today she told me that it was probably better if I didn't because my dad is MEGA pissed at me. Fuck then, so much for that. =/

I'm not really sure why I'm here right now. Maybe I'm looking for support. Maybe I'm looking for someone that will just tell me that things will be alright. Maybe I'm looking for someone to tell me to suck it up and get my fat ass on a treadmill, sitting around never helped anything. I can't tell you really.

I'm not here with promises to be better. I'm just here to tell you how I've been. I want to get back on my plan, but at the moment I'm just taking things one day at a time. I don't even have the mental capacity to follow my own plan. To much time and thinking. It's gonna need some work.

I guess that that then. I just stopped by to say....

I'm still alive.

and tomorrow, I'll still be here too.

~Wendy

I'm not the desperate type!

Remember the boy I mentioned?

His name is Chris.

Things are moving pretty fast between the 2 of us! I am completely happy, but super nervous.

He's seen all my facebook photos. He still tells me I'm sexy and cute. O.o I want to believe him, because he's gorgeous! Why would someone like him want someone who looks like me?

He's even coming to visit me this weekend. So time to clean up and act like a sane person!

I wish more than anything that I was 185 again. Just 185! Just for this weekend! =( Not gonna happen.

I've been by no means slouching though! In fact I'm under 190 again, and have lost 5-6 lbs ish in the last 2 weeks!!!! =)

Still doesn't feel like enough though.

Will it ever be enough.

He seems way to good to be true...


Here's to keeping my head, and hopefully making a good impression.


Terrified,
~Wendy

Let's play a love game

Report: Operation Rock Star - Day 2


Mission #1: Obtain Diet Control

Status - UNKNOWN
I stuck strictly to my plan until dinner tonight. Then Will and Izzie came over, and we had oven pizza. I had 2 slices, but I don't know the calories in that. So overall I have no idea if I went over 800 calories today. I really hope not.


Mission #2: Follow Running Plan

Status: FAIL
Still raining today. Wanted to do DDR, but my living room is a mess, and I had nowhere to put the dance mat.


Mission #3: Study for the GRE

Status: SUCCESS
Got another Lesson done. I hope it keeps going this well, so I can ace this thing.


Mission #4: Guitar Lessons

Status: FAIL
Still didn't look at the guitar. Something I'll talk about at the bottom though has motivated me. you'll see.


Mission #5: Work towards language certification

Status: Fail
I wasn't even trying. Although, I did at least LOOK at these books.


Other Comments:

So yes, I kinda met a boy today. By meet, I mean that by a crazy random happenstance I happened to be texting with him.

He seems cool, and I'm hopeful that I'll talk to him again. I'm also panicked about that because, he'll eventually want to know what I look like, and I'm still fat! So now I must work harder.

Tomorrow is Izzie's birthday, and I'm going out to eat with people. Gonna be as good as possible, just must find something safe on the menu. pfft yeah, well I'll try to at least.

Oh, and I have news for anyone that lives in the USA

Sorry, you'll prolly not like it. I know I didn't

I was watching the today show, and they did a investigation on frozen diet foods (like lean cuisine and such). They tested the nutritional values of the food and compared it to the box. None of them were right!

Granted, some were lower than reported, but what the fuck. It all comes down to the law though.

Apparently, the FDA regulates that food companies must be within 20% of the actual calorie count.

What the Fuck?!? 20% is NOT an acceptable margin of error!

What's worse, is other nutritional info can be worse! The one I REALLY remember from the report was that Smart Choice Orange Chicken was the worse. It had 350% more fat in it than was reported on the label 0.o

I think I might barf.

Watch out girls, apparently you can't trust anything you don't cook yourself!

Well, I must scram and get some sleep before work. I never sleep anymore.

Stay Strong guys! It's important!

~Wendy

I love rock and roll!

Report: Operation Rock Star - Day 1


Mission #1: Obtain Diet Control

Status - FAIL
Wasn't able to stick to the 800 calories. =( I'm thinking about letting myself split the breakfast calories between breakfast and snack. That way I can be sure to keep after work binges under control. That's my main problem right now.

I did say no to both popcorn and skittles when offered to me though. =)

Also, not gonna count liquid calories for awhile. If I feel low energy, than right now I'd rather grab a sugary drink than eat until I can't stop. =/


Mission #2: Follow Running Plan

Status - FAIL
It rained today, all day. This is an acceptable reason to not get outside, but I didn't manage to make up for it inside, so that's still a fail. =(


Mission #3: Study for the GRE

Status - SUCCESS
I got a chapter done. I only finished 10 minutes ago, but it's done! =)


Mission #4: Guitar Lessons

Status - FAIL
I honestly didn't even look at the guitar today. Damn.


Mission #5: Work towards language certification

Status - FAIL
Who's surprised really?????


Other Comments:

Today was obviously not a great success. I don't expect tomorrow to be MUCH better, but it will hopefully be better. At least one more mission will succeed.

Not a great way to start off this new operation. =/

In other notes we have a new guy at work. Time will tell if I can actually stand him. I need a raise.

Also went shopping, and got good low cal food back in my house. This will hopefully cut the binging because there is not much bad left. Before I was basically going through the dregs of my cupboards and the results were not good.

I hope everyone else is doing better than me.

Well, you live and learn
~Wendy

You ripped my heart out

It feels so good to be back!

Tomorrow is the official launch of Operation Rock Star:

The goal is to write everyday that internet is available. I hope you guys like me because you will be hearing a lot from me.

Operation Rock Star breaks down like this....


Mission #1: Obtain Diet Control

This consists of sticking to the plan. Mostly the original plan with some calorie count changes. 200-200-400 for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The goal is to not go over 800 calories in a day.

Weigh-ins will still be Wednesdays, starting next week.


Mission #2: Follow Running plan

Since I basically suck ass at running, I'm going to take up a basic beginner's running plan. the goal is to follow the plan every day possible. Reason's to miss include rain, and temperatures below 45 degrees Fahrenheit. One those days the workout must be supplemented with an indoor activity such as DDR.


Mission #3: Study for the GRE

There should be a lesson worked on every day. GRE score is essential to make up for my failed class on my transcript. There is no backup plan if I don't make it to grad school. This is the only option.


Mission #4: Guitar Lessons

I'm going to be actively working towards improving my guitar skills. A new lesson must be completed EVERYDAY.


Mission #5: Work towards language certification

Complete a few lesson's every day. Exceptions can apply when things such as GRE studies conflict. Goal is to become more fluent and able to work above certification levels.




Daily reports will be made in each area, a long with any interesting topics that come up for discussion.


You guys ready?

Let's rock this summer B-)

~Wendy

Today for you, tomorrow for me

OMG I missed you all soooooooo bad.

If it seems like I haven't been around in awhile, it's because I haven't been.

My computer decided to shit out on me.

I haven't known what to do with myself, since my computer is like my life line. No internet, no thinspo photos, NO MUSIC!

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Anyways, the techs I took it to managed to patch it back together, but it looks like I am in the market for a new computer soon.

Anyways, I'm glad to be back. It seems like for one reason or another I've been gone forever.

Tomorrow, I'll be back to add details of Operation Rock Star, my summer life plan, which will launch on Tuesday.

I miss you all, and I'll be catching up on blogs as soon as possible!

~Wendy

We're doing it for the fame!

Reason to be Skinny #23: It takes less booze to get drunk (cheap date)



I always want to start off these Blogs with sorry.

Sorry for not writing. Sorry for not being able to stick with a plan. etc.

But it's getting a little redundant, for all of us yes?

I'm sick of saying sorry.

So fuck ya'll (not really, cus I love you) I'm not saying sorry anymore.


I'm alone again.

Izzie and Will are 85% moved out of my place. All I've wanted is for them to leave. Not because I want to be alone (cus I really don't!) but because I want to control my eating plan again.

I've been restricting, eating only half of stuff etc. but I want to get back to counting, to the numbers. To my pre-prepared safe meals. I want to know the exact calories! That's not really possible when they're here.

Shit even my mini fridge in my room isn't safe. We started keeping excess booze in that fridge, so Will feels completely comfortable with walking into my room and opening it up. It would be weird for me to complain =/

So as they head out of town early this weekend I was excited to have a few days to myself to get shit under control. So what happens?

The first time I walk into my apartment alone last night, I binged. I know it wasn't much, but I had an entire bag of microwave popcorn that I called my "dinner".

Was going to go through all day today on 90 calories (I brought to work as lunch) but then my headphones broke and I had to go home to get new ones. Ended up eating frozen buffalo wings from my freezer. gah!

Then I actually came home from work, and that's when I had my first REAL binge. I ate vanilla ice cream, and then another bowl of vanilla ice cream. After that ate the rest of a package of roast beef lunch meat. I was full then, but the lunchmeat was salty, and I was thirsty, so I went to the fridge. That somehow ended with me having a diet coke (thank god!) and heating up an entire portion of chicken alfredo! >_<

Fuck my life. Especially since I'm going out tonight, and I was already feeling fat as FUCK today. All I can see is the mass amounts of fat and rolls that hang off of me. I am not happy =(

So below is another shitty edited photo of me. This one is from about 2 weeks ago, and is sadly the best looking picture of me. =(

Anyways, going out with some girls tonight to drink and bar hop. Shoot me now! I look like shit, and there is no way in hell I will manage to pick up any guys any time soon.

I need to go get ready and shit.... blah. I'll catch up on blogs later.

Sorry guys, I have nothing else to say.


Shit, I wasn't going to say that.

~Wendy

I just wanna be one of the girls

Reason to be Skinny #22:

Vintage clothes look cute on a small frame.


Sorry I didn't post the last two day. My brain has been kind of erratic, and so has my eating.

That's not to say that it has been bad at all! No, it's been just erratic. With no real plan.

So I know I should have because it's not Wednesday (I started that rule to keep me mostly sane) but I did a legit weigh in this morning. I won't post the results official on the page until Wednesday, but hells yeah, scale said 189.2!

Fuck you vacation! You can't still keep me down! Take that 190's! You don't own my life! =D

I've gotta go shopping today for a Barbie-Q me and the roommates are throwing tonight. I'm not cooking, so no control there, but I get to pick out the food we are grilling, and it all starts there right????

It's not of my shopping list, bit I'm going to get some Vegtables for Kabobs and stuff too! The more veggies, and the less chips the better, especially because I'll be drinking too.

But I digress....

I talked to John last night.

I think I only half assed introduced you to John before, So allow me to fix that.

John in my absolute best friend in the whole friggin world. This isn't some random claim like I've seen on here from some girls. I don't change best friends every week, it's John. It's damn near always been John. Ever since we met in high school. It's also a mutual best friendship.

You literally can't split us up, and all though we can be horrible people sometimes, we choose to be horrible people together.

We did date once BRIEFLY! (Years ago) Then it was mutually decided that THAT was a bad idea, and we moved on.

John is probably the only reason I miss living in my home state. He's still there, and I'm not.

He can also be a huge motivation for me.

Now let me set something strait first. No one makes me the way I am. I don't do what I do because of one specific person. I've said before, my life is not shit (well, not really shit at least). I do what I do because I WANT to do it. It's all about me, and no one else, got it?

That said, John does have a fascination with tiny girls. Girls he could "tear up" literally. He's also the person who at one time said to me (I was sick) "Damn being a guy. Why do I find you more adorable, the more helpless you are."

I dunno John. But thanks for actually telling me the truth instead of bullshitting me like everyone else is.

John can be an indecisive asshole sometimes. He has put some of his ex-girlfriends through hell during their breakup. He also doesn't always say what he means. Well, he does, but his wording is off. During our own breakup he once said "I'm very mentally attracted to you, but I'm not physically attracted to you." Now, I know what he MEANT to say, but we also all know what that sounds like, right?

Let's just put it this way, if I didn't know him inside and out, he would have strung me along for much longer than the other girls.

So sometimes when I'm thinking about why I want to be skinny, I think about John. I want him to want me, so that I can tell him "Fuck NO!" and see the look on his face. He'd do the same thing.

I did say we're horrible people right?

Anyways, as for talking to him, he told me that he's gonna be breaking up with his bitch of a girlfriend soon. I'm not one to normally call girls names and such, but this bitch is the one who tried to tell John that it was me or her. He still choose me, and she still stuck around. By that time her bitch switch was stuck on though, ugggggh! Plus, except for her possible perfect size 2, she's actually not that good looking. Not his normal type....


Anyways, I should get going....

Wait one more thing! About the excercise stuff. I've actually been wanting to get out and work out, but I am faced with 2 problems at the moment. 1) My room is still a mess, and 2) I seem to have got a head cold, and since I can't breath through my nose and cough a lot, that would make any decent length off arobic excercise almost impossible.

I'll get back on that as soon as I can though.

Til later, stay strong guys,

~Wendy

Cherry Cherry Boom Boom

Reason #21 to be skinny:

Because being feminine means being tiny


How many ways can I find to say fuck my life????

Weigh in this morning was 193.4lbs. My BMI is above 30 again!

I'm obese.


My life is fucked? The fat girl is never successful in life! When you think Obese chick you think of fat woman raising her kids in a trailer park! GAH!


It would appear that I will never be thin. Fuck me that I can't even stay out of the obese range. GAH!

Lunch didn't go as planned, because I broke my measuring cup. It shattered. So I had bread and nutella instead, plus the apple. Dinner was Taco Bell because my life is fucked anyways.

What am I going to do with myself????

Guess I pick up and start again.... but damn, I was 186! So close to that first goal!!!!

Back to the fucking game...

~Wendy

You and me have a disease

Reason to be Skinny #20:

Bikini Season, need I say more?


Well, I'm back, and not fucking happy =(

Things look at least a little better than they did the last time I posted.

Vacation was fun overall. I did even manage to get a tan =) But seriously it was almost 2 weeks solid of eating out for EVERY meal. We also ate at Buffets a lot because they were the "best deal". I HATE buffets, because my dad usually throws a fit if I don't eat my "money's worth".

That's not to say that I stuffed myself beyond belief or anything. Let's just say that I don't think I was even remotely hungry in the last 2 weeks. =/

Ugggg

So we get off the plan and back home, and my dad decides it would be "fun" to see how much weight he gained, then my brother follows suite. My brother doesn't like the number and walks away. Then my dad starts bugging the shit out of me to step on the scale. Now mind you the scale was in the middle of the fucking kitchen (from when we weighed out luggage before leaving). So I tell him HELL NO! and he bugs the shit out of me, and basically makes me get on this fucking scale. >=( <--- That's my angry face.

So I get on the scale and it says 198.8lbs After I have a heart attack and pick myself up off the floor, I start protesting that the scale must be off, after all my brother had a really bad number too, we should get a new scale sometime. So get this, then my dad decides that no, the scale has to be right, and has me set my suitcase on it since we knew exactly what it weighed from the airport. So then I did that, and the scale was only off by 0.2lbs

I could have slit my wrists right there.

Never before have I actually almost cried from a scale. So that would be when I wrote my last blog. Luckily by the time I woke up the next morning it was reading a more friendly 193 lbs. As of tonight it's between 194 to 195. I'll give an official weigh in tomorrow per Wednesday weigh ins.

It's not even close to being good, but at least it's not suicide worthy.

Fuck my life!

For real.

Plan for tomorrow and getting back on track.

Gonna skip breakfast. Grab some spinach and salad dressing for lunch. An apple for after work, and then I'm going shopping. Time to get some low calorie food back in my apartment. Will and Izzie are still staying for another weekish so I have to look like I'm eating (especially since Izzie actually works with me at the moment. So none of the "I ate at work" or "I ate at home" stuff =/)

After the shopping trip I'm going to clean out my room. Clean room is equal to floor space so I can work out (My gym membership expired, but I don't actually have time to GET to the gym right now, so I need to keep up with this at home.

If I get my room cleaned tomorrow, then by thursday I can start with workouts again. I think I'm going to take up running too later this summer. Something I've always wanted to do (I'm a strictly treadmill runner normally. I fucking hate hills, and there are a LOT where I live.)

So that's the plan. Now to stick to it!

Oh, and before I get gone... Welcome new followers! I was very surprised to see that my follows grew quite a bit while I was gone. 20 people! DAMN.... glad people are interested, I just thought I was rambling.

Still failing,
~Wendy

I believe the world is coming to an end

I'm not dead I swear.

Just got off a 2weekish family vacation. Good news, I'm not dead. Bad news... well let's just say that I choose to believe that the scale is lying to me because I just got off an airplane.

Anyways, gonna try and catch up on some blogs over the next few days. I still have to drive through another state to get back to my apartment. =/

Expect a real update probably around Monday.

I'm going to need some SERIOUS help when i finally admit to what the scale says =?

~Wendy

P.S. Missed you all lots! Can't wait to REALLY be back.

What do you want from me?

Reason to be Skinny #19:

So boys won't hurt themselves trying to prove they can pick you up. (Stupid boys)



Oh jeez yesterday.....

I really did want food. Really bad =/ I was doing so well too. I actually made bullion chicken broth (5 calories per cup) to have that as a liquid meal.

It was AMAZING! I sipped it slowly, and nothing was out of control. Plus, at that point it tasted pretty damn good too.

Then Will came over, and raided my fridge. Since there's "nothing in here" (yeah, I know! I made it that way!) he decided we should go get a pizza to go with our beer.

The Pizza and Beer is a good luck charm for the red wings. It's two specific brands, and yeah it has to happen. So although I tried to resist that, it had to happen.

So we got pizza and bread sticks. We dropped some off to Izzie (who wasn't feeling well), and me and Will took the rest back to my place to finish watching the game.

Now, I've NEVER had trouble eating in groups of people. As long as you keep cool, and don't attract unwanted attention (harder than it sounds, I know) people will generally distract themselves from watching ANYONE else eat. Act like it's no big deal, and it isn't.

The problem with that is, it doesn't work in one on one situations, so basically when it's just me and will, I have yet to come up with a way for him to not notice what I ate. Example: He's going to know I didn't eat pizza because knowing how much he's eaten makes it obvious how much I didn't.

So, mostly because I didn't want to deal with that, I ate.... a little. I still ate the least out of anyone (including Izzie) and no one is the wiser that I fasted for 2 days before that.

Now Izzie and Will, move in tomorrow, andI don't know what to do. I've never had to hide this from ANYONE before. Not while living with them. Oh jeez is it going to be stressful. But I'm not gonna change my eating habits and get FAT just because they live here. EWWW!!!

GAH! I don't know what to do about this. I'm taking it one day at a time, but they're gonna be here for a month. Then after that there are summer BBQs and Grad Parties, 4th of July and Memorial Day parties to contend with. >=/

But again, one day at a time.

I figure I should go back to my eating schedule, but I still really don't feel like eating, so who knows what I'll do.... =/

~Wendy

Oh my gosh...

Reason to be Skinny #18:

Wearing heels will be easier with less weight to carry around.


Really just dropping in to tell you I broke the fast.

It had to do with Will, Pizza, and Hockey.


Could have been much worse, but I'll give details tomorrow.

=( My weight wouldn't budge anyways.

*Sigh*

~Wendy

Tonight I'm not taking no calls cus I'll be dancing!

Reason #17 to be skinny:

No more "chub rub" on jeans or other pants!!!!


I want to eat so friggin bad right now. I'm not going to though, it's all in my head. I'm not even hungry.

So apparently my friends are doing a dinner thing this week (I thought we weren't because of finals). It starts in 20 minutes. I'm doing so well today too!

If I go over there, this will break and I know it! There is no way to just hang out without someone wanting me to eat someone. It's not like yesterday with Izzie and Will either. These skinny little pricks actually do make everyone eat around them, so that they can feel better about themselves eating.

Remember Erin, the one from the packzi incident? Yup, she's the one cooking tonight. She's also underweight. It's like shut the fuck up, sorry my metabolism doesn't work like that! >_<

So anyways, I'm skipping this week. I'm not gonna text or call or make excuses, just not going. On the off chance that they call (they won't) I'll tell them I took a nap and overslept. They'll believe me since I sleep like shit. That's also my excuse if I run into them a day that is not today.

On the off chance that they do call, that also gives me an excuse to not eat when i get over there. I just woke up, and my stomach isn't ready for it!

=D I am a fucking Genius.

I'm lucky there's nothing worth eating in my kitchen right now. I'm fucked if Will shows up with a pizza tonight though (it's a hockey tradition.) It will take some fast talking to get out of that one 0.o Chances are slim though, so yay!

How's everyone else doing?

~Wendy

P.S. GO WINGS!

I have got no service in the club you see see

Reason to be Skinny #16:

The smaller you are, the more you get treated like a girl.


You know it was a bad sign yesterday, when Will walked into my apartment, didn't even say hi!, and started preheating the oven >_<

Lucky me, Izzie wasn't eating anything either, so I was in the clear! Although it was pure torture to have my entire apartment smell like food. Isn't it bad enough that my downstairs neighbor is ALWAYS grilling?

But I digress. The scale appears to have not moved at all as of this morning -_-

To top it off, I actually have to work my HORRIBLE job this morning. I thought I worked this afternoon, and that I would have time to study. Guess not. Makes me a bit nervous for my exam =X

Other than that, just gonna have to find the most sugary juice to take with me this morning. Mostly because my job kills me on a good day, and is 20X worse this time of year because of the Freshman moving out of the dorm.

Ughhhh

and that exam =/

Anyways, doing good so far, wish me more luck!

~Wendy

He was a skater boy!

Reason to be Skinny #15:

Sex appeal, simple as that.


So far so good with fast day #1.

I had milk this morning before I decided on the fast, then nothing but water until about an hour ago.

I had to go to the grocery store because there was about NOTHING left in my fridge.

After buying nothing but juice, light soymilk, and coke at the store I came home with my $45 of groceries.

Yeah, I'm right with you on the fact of $45 of juice.

The idea is that if I run myself out of grocery money though, then I can't give in and go buy food. Twisted in it's own way.

Anyways so now, besides that in my fridge there is beer, some wine, carrot sticks, and 2 packs of sugar free pudding. All of that had better be there on Saturday.

Since getting home, I've had a small serving of white grape juice, and I'm sipping on mixed berry green tea right now.

Izzie and Will are coming over in a little bit, and I am hoping that it doesn't involve food. It doesn't usually on Wednesdays, but tomorrow will be another battle.

Here's to hoping though!!!!!

I WILL stick with this. I WILL!!!!

Still need to study though, shit. At least my last exam is tomorrow. Then I only have to deal with work. =/

~Wendy

The pain she puts me through is what I need.

Reason to be Skinny #14: Because then people think "Eat a damn sandwich" instead of "You could use to skip a few meals".


Weigh in today was 186.6lbs

Total week lose of 1.4lbs, which is .2lbs more than last week.

Still kinda sick of this shit though. Soooooooooo I'm going on an adventure.

I have about a week until I go on a two week tropical vaca with my family (during which I will mostly likely have to eat at least semi normal -_-), and I have until Saturday to be living by myself (Izzie and Will are couch crashing until their new apartment is ready).

So it sounds like it's time for a fast.

Liquid fast it is, because this is mostly to just keep calories low, and get through the hunger. Also because I have finals and need to concentrate, and because the last time I did a water fast I didn't even last 24 hours and it ended in a binge -_-

Goal it to at least make it to Friday. If not Midday Saturday. Sunday is an almost promised no go.

So Heeeeerrrrreeeee weeee goooooo!

~Wendy

P.S. Wonder what has kicked my ass into gear? I was flipping through some old photos, and found one of me at my largest. I've included it, after some shitty paint editing for security. The full picture is way worse because my forever skinny ass friend with large boobs is standing next to me. For some perspective, the jeans I'm wearing in that picture are size 16. It's guesstimated that I weighed about 212 lbs in that picture, but I don't know for sure because I didn't have a scale at the time. NEVER getting back to that is my life's goal. I'm currently loss in size 14, and as I discovered almost 2 weeks ago, I CAN wear size 12's. This is my reverse thinspiration. That's not even a "muffin" top anymore, it's about to be it's own area code. FUCK!

I'm awesome.....

Reason to be Skinny #13:

Blood sugar problems stand a good chance of disappearing!


I'll hope you'll excuse me for being so touch and go this past week. It's finals week at my Uni. To top it off, I also started my new Job yesterday.

Feel free to NOT read this post if you don't like bitching.

Please excuse me as I whine and rant a little bit in this post. It is out of character for me, but I'm getting a little pissed off.

I'm having serious sleep issues this entire last semester. I can't STAY asleep for an entire night to save my life. Put it this way, a good night is if I only wake up twice. On a bad night, I'll remember waking up as many as 18-20 times.

Imagine if you had someone poke you awake even 10 times in a night going "Hey, Hey..." Then you ask "what?" and they say "Never mind, go back to sleep!"

No imagine that every night for a week.

So yes, I'm a little cranky, I think you would be too!

I'm a very level headed person most days. I can read my emotions to a tee, and I don't overreact about ANYTHING. The worst part about letting my emotions get the best of me is that I KNOW that they are, and I KNOW that it's not a big deal, and I KNOW that I'm not really upset.... but I can NOT stop it from happening.

When I'm tired, my emotions go haywire, and I can't stop them. But see, since I know they are out of whack, I won't express them AT ALL. So rather than throwing a temper tantrum because things aren't going my way, or actually yelling at the person who has me looking for a shiv, I just hold that shit inside until my body physically feels like it's gone on an adrenaline hormone induced roller coaster. Not the good kind either, more of the kind that you get off all pissed off because you just waited for 2 hours to go on THAT shitty 30 second ride!

But I digress.

It's finals week, I'm stressed.

Stress exacerbates my sleeping issues.

Being tired AND stressed exacerbates my blood sugar problem.

My blood sugar problem exacerbates my hormones making me irritable and moody.

Being a nervous wreck exacerbates my stress level.

Plus, it's still finals week, and I'm still failing a class.


Vicious circle?


I'm tired cranky and upset (if you hadn't noticed).

My blood sugar being so fucked up dictates that I HAVE to eat.

My being upset dictates that I have no appetite, and really can't stomach to eat.

So I'm off the diet pop for two reasons, (1) artificial sweeteners have in the past shown to make my mood swings worse, and (2) the sugar and calorie content will at least keep me out of a coma, despite not being able to level off my blood sugar.

I've managed to eat about a days worth of real food (my day NOT theirs) in the last 3.

Oh, and to touch up on the last post, I don't actually keep junk food in my house. I honestly hate it. Not potato chips, no sweets, no... junk. Those tortilla chips I mentioned are the worst thing I have IN the house (I bought them for when Nicole came to visit) and I haven't touched them since I last mentioned them....

I went to a hockey party the other day. I ate 2 chicken wings, and felt so guilty and disgusted that I didn't eat anything til the next afternoon. Ate some carrot sticks the other night, then went of a binge drinking spree that caused me to puke them all up. (6 pack in 2 hours NOT a good life choice). Why was a drinking?

That was the most solid 5 hours of sleep I've had in the last 2 weeks.

My mom says that my sleep would fix itself if I was more active.

I told her that I run every day, and that I work a very physical job, and that I walk almost EVERYWHERE I go.

She said that maybe I should run harder. You know, REALLY tire myself out.

.... because clearly I am not tired enough yet. -_-



Moral of the story is: I'm a fucking wreck.


~Wendy

P.S. Did I mention extreme stress has never NOT made me gain weight? Guess who has a weigh in first thing in the morning.... oh right. =(

Never gonna give you up.....

Reason #12 to be skinny:

So I can get Tattoos without them being distorted.


I've always been a big believe in Karma. The divine cosmic balance and all that.

I'm not very religious, in the sense that I don't subscribe to a specific religion. But I do believe.

Bad things happen so that good things can happen. EVERYTHING happens for a reason.


My life is coming back up, despite my major failure. I've calmed down, and realized that I can fix this. It'll take time, but I CAN fix this.

I got news on the Job I interviewed for. I GOT THE JOB! =D It's amazingly exciting.

Plus, Red Wings won last night X-D

Things are looking up.


In other news, my eating is erratic still and I am paying for it. I go hours on end without eating. But when I eat, it's not like I binge or eat normal even. I graze on stupid snack foods (a few tortilla chips, or carrots and ranch etc.)

Yesterday, I had my blood sugar completely drop out on me. Not just that, but I had A LOT of trouble getting it back up after wards. It was actually kind of scary. I drank some light chocolate soy milk because of the sugar, but I couldn't get it to come back up. So I headed for protein. I ate a quarter of a package of lunch meat turkey, and I still couldn't get it to level off. In fact it was still dropping! Lucky me, that was when Will and Izzie showed up with some bread sticks and pizza for the hockey game. After eating 2 bread sticks, I got my blood sugar to level off. After a piece of pizza I was finally okay again.

It's one of the worst attacks I've had in a long time. For anyone who doesn't know, having on of these attacks sucks ass. It's like you're shivering, but with no control over it. Your hands shake, and you can't hold anything still. The longer it goes on the worse the shaking gets. You get light headed, and if you pass out from it you're in major trouble.

Overall shit.

But even today I'm doing much better despite not eating barley anything. Hopefully that has been put behind me.

I hope everyone else is doing well.

Til later,
~Wendy

I'm a nervous wreck

Reason #11 to be skinny:

So I won't be a fat American when I travel abroad.


When Nicole was here before she brought up something. She was eating breakfast, and I offered the girl that was there to pick her up some food. I wasn't eating, and the other girl declined too.

So Nicole is all starts telling her that I was never a breakfast person in high school. She actually brings up that I use to just say that I would eat at lunch, but then say I wasn't hungry at lunch too.

It was just this random conversation.

The funny part is, that's just how I was back then. Never hungry. My entire family is overweight and I've always shied away from food. I am actually the smallest of us all.... doesn't say much huh?

I'm not a person who eats my feelings. Never have been. When I get stressed out, I can end up making myself sick, therefor when I get upset I won't eat. For days on end without knowing it.

So why do I bring this up???

Well, I got some bad news....

I'm going to be failing my first class in 17 years of schooling. Not failing like "getting a C and it's not what I wanted" failing. No failing like "I'm GETTING A FUCKING F" failing.

There is no way I'm getting into grad school now. The programs are too selective. They will never fucking take me!

Just like that I fucked my whole life.

So for the last 2 days, I've been starving all day, and then going on a binge for about an hour. My body kicks in with wanting food and I fucking mindlessly eat. I'm not going over 1000 calories, so I don't feel that bad... but what the fuck.

Fuck

Fuck


FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!









Fuck


~Wendy

Don't act like a starving model

Reason #10 to be skinny:

Because it feels amazing!!!!


188.0 is my official weigh in this morning.

That's a 1.2lb weight loss in a week.



I wish it could have been more, but hey... I'm fucking LOSING again. Plus I had to jump of the plan for a a day or two.

I'll catch up on all of your blogs again tonight. Right now I'm heading off to my soul sucking job. Catch ya later!

~Wendy

Don't fuck me around.....

Reason #9 to be skinny:

So I can stop wondering which outfits I have that make me look fat!



Sorry I haven't updated. The last few days were rough. Kinda binged last night, and PAID for it! (awake with nightmares etc.)

Anyways, I have a Job Interview this evening. Red Wings play, and I have a charity dinner thing to go to! Hopefully all goes well! I'll prolly be back to update some time after that....

~Wendy

Are you in?

Reason #8 to be skinny:

So just once someone can think I'm "too thin" (even if they're wrong).



My day got kinda crazy after I last wrote. Ended up skipping lunch, literally because I didn't have time for it! Which was sad =( But worked in my favor because of dinner.

It was sketchy for a bit, because my blood sugar started to dip, but I held out until dinner =)

Also DIDN'T buy more juice today. Now all that's in my fridge is soda (and I will only touch the diet kind.) Yay for coke zero!

So Will made dinner. It was Tortellini with a sausage tomato sauce. Pretty good actually. I had a small bowl of it. I won't lie I went back for seconds, but 2 bites into that realized that I was full! But I had a whole portion still left in front of me. So I asked Izzie to split the rest with me and she agreed. Then Erin said she would take some too if I was feeling too full. So I got to be all stealthy and basically give them my entire bowl. (There was a little bit of sausage sauce still left after they were done.) Score one for me! =D

Plus, although I drank wine and beer (not much, and remember alcohol has no calories in my school of thinking.) I didn't indulge on chocolate pudding, banana pudding, or orange sherbet like everyone else was. =) I take my victories where I can. Overall not too bad of a day.

So onto tomorrow, since I most likely not be posting in the morning (work FIRST thing), and I don't know if I can make a post tomorrow night. I'm going to try to, but it can't be when Nicole is around. =/

So I have to go to work. Then as I am now remembering I stupidly asked Izzie and Will to have lunch with me when I got off. I only have an hour break between work and class on fridays, so they always bring me lunch after work. Now I NEED to come up with something that is under 150 calories that they can bring me. =/ It looks like one piece of cheese pizza clocks in around 140 calories. So I should be okay, and within the rules, if I can get them to bring me JUST that. Hopefully I can get that to happen.

After class, me and Izzie are going to the bead store. Izzie makes jewelry, and I was talking to her about wanting a braclet. ;-)

It's going to be pink and red, and hopefully look AMAZING when done. I want it to be just as much art, as it is a reminder of why I'm doing this. Maybe I'll even post a picture when it's done.

Also need to get Laundry done 0.o

and grocery shopping,

and a bike ride with Izzie and Will,

and hockey and beer. (Because PS I am a GINORMOUS Red Wings fan, and it's playoffs bitches!)

Plus Nicole is getting into town late tomorrow night (like during the wings game -_-).

I don't know if there are enough hours in the day! I need to just get it all done!

Hopefully I'll talk to you all soon! Love ya's

~Wendy

Worst pies in London

Reason #7 to be Skinny:

Because all good rock stars are!


So awake this morning, and had breakfast. Cinnamon Toast Crunch and milk (175). I technically should be alternating breakfasts, so that my calorie count keeps switching up, but meh.

Some dude has been chainsawing outside of my apartment for the last hour and a half. Ughhh I guess it was a good thing I didn't try and sleep in!

So I'm really writing this entry to just try and get some things out of my head, and on to (paper?) blog.

Tonight is dreaded Thursday dinner night. I was going to cook, but I have a lot of cleaning to get done in the next 24 hours and Will jumped on volunteering. Awesome. So since it's food out of my control again, I'm going to try and eat the bare fucking minimum that I can get away with. That is plan A.

I'm just hoping that he doesn't make anything too bad, because he uses my apartment to cook, and the last time it was his turn, my apartment smelled like fried foods for almost 2 weeks! =o

Also, tomorrow my friend Nicole is coming into town to visit me. She told me this like 2 days ago. She's also been VERY vague on her plans (like how long she's staying etc.) So my plan is to go to the store and get some bread and turkey, so that we have that around for lunch. I'll still eat salad, but that way she has another option and doesn't think it's weird. I'm also going to make something I guess. Hopefully low calorie. Maybe the Tuna noodle broccoli thing I make. It's like under 300 calories in a serving, but it only makes 4 servings. So basically No matter how much Nicole has I can still keep it split up into acceptable portions afterwards =) and that way I don't have to explain my dividing of food, and she can have as much food as she wants. Thus making her less suspicious of me!

Okay, so that's the plan to get me through until at least Monday. Then we start a whole new week.

Trying to stay strong here. Peace out!

~Wendy

P.S. Charlie and Z thank you so much for reading and commenting. It's super nice to know that other people out there care like I do ^_^ <3

I'm in Distress

Reason #6 to be Skinny:

So I won't feel embarrassed when I go to the gym.


Weighed in this morning 189.2

It's not what I wanted, but at least it's in the 80's. Plus it means my BMI is still in the "overweight" zone and not the "obese" zone. I need to take these small victories.

The day itself was pretty uneventful. Other than me wanting to tell my job where to show it. My boss just likes to insult my intelligence every other time I work. Argh! I don't even want to talk about it.

So For breakfast I had Cinnamon Toast crunch with fat free milk (175).

Lunch I had a small salad (90).

Dinner was another fresh steamer thing. This time Chicken pad thai (270). It was actually kinda gross. I don't recommend that one. although it was bearable after I added pepper flakes to it. I love pepper flakes, I have rediscovered my love of them. =D

Crimson tide came in today too, so I let myself have a snack of chocolate sugar free pudding. I thought it was within the 50 calorie limit, but turns out it's actually (60). Well, I guess I know for next time =/ and today is fail for sticking to the rules. =(

Calorie total was 595, still under 600.

I need to head to bed now though since I am getting random food cravings. Breakfast comes first thing in the morning. Night all.

~Wendy

You only meant well, well of course you did!

Reason #5 to be Skinny:

So I can finally show off my stomach.



Still oddly happy about the pants =)

So lunch, had strawberries and cream oatmeal (130).

Then went to class, did boring stuff, and got distracted by the internet!

Was hungry, didn't feel like cooking (more like didn't have enough time to clean my kitchen AND cook). I was going to go to Taco bell, but after a long internal argument decided to just go get a lean frozen meal from walmart instead.

Overall a better life choice.

So Dinner was Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers Balsamic Garlic Chicken (270). It was amazing! One of those things that I can believe I can eat. MUCH better choice than T bell, where at minimum I would have wasted 380 calories!

So my total for today was ((575)) calories!!!! That's pretty good. Although it is tongue in cheek because of all the juice I've been drinking but not counting =/

Oh well. Tomorrow morning is my first weigh in. Let's see where my starting bar is for this time around.

Night all!

~Wendy

I don't give a damn about my bad reputation!

Reason #4 to be skinny:

Because I can fit in smaller pants!!!!!!!



HOLY SHIT!

Really, I am sorry for blogging so much today but HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

I was walking into my room, and saw the pair 12 pants that I had sitting on my desk. You know, the ones I tried on last like a month ago and wouldn't fit over my giant ass!?!?!??!

So I get all like "Hmmmm I wonder!"

Now when I went from size 16 to 14 originally the only reason I knew I needed to was because a friend of mine (*cough* John *cough*) Pants me! So I tried the test with my 14's just now. Could I pull them off without unbuttoning them? I tried and I could! (although barely).

So I picked up the 12's. The waste was so small I was like, there is no fucking way!

So I pulled them up, and they went over my ass (with a little help from jumping and the squat test).

Then came the real test. Could I button and zipper them?

And I could!

So they are super tight, and I have a muffin top, but they fucking FIT! OH MY GOD!

So I can fit in size 12s and I am on cloud 9.

Time to go eat lunch. I just needed to share with someone =D

~Wendy!!!!!!!

Made my decision, lead a path of self distruction

Reason #3 to be Skinny:

So Boys will actually STOP to look at me.



Hey guys!

Sorry if I'm posting to many blogs for your taste, but I really need to make sure that I get back into the habit of blogging.

So far today I've gotten up and stuck to my rules. A half hour after waking up I ate 3/4 cup Cinnamon Toast Crunch with 1/2 cup Fat Free Milk (175). I am back on the plan =D

I can't wait to start seeing the numbers drop again. Screw doing this "The right way" I managed to lose 15 lbs doing it my way before, and when I switched over I stayed the exact same, for over a month! That is wasted time I will never get back! FUCK!

But, that's why I'm back on track now. Seems like almost everyone else died off here while I was gone though. =/

To bad, I miss reading about everyone else's battles too. In the whole makes me feel not alone way.

Anyways, peace out for awhile! Hope you all have great days! I'll report back in tonight!

~Wendy

You're not the Jesus of Suburbia!

Reason #2 to be skinny :

So I can face beach season with confidence!


The rest of today played out mostly good. Had to have a snack, half a cheese stick (30).

Had dinner of a package of beef ramen (380). I added dehydrated crushed red pepper flakes to it at a friends recommendation. It was AMAZING! If you like spicy food, and can afford the calories then you really need to try it!

Tomorrow I'm going to stick to the plan again. Haven't been to the grocery store to get lunch foods, but I might even be able to get a "double breakfast" in based on my rules.

Also missed my guitar lesson today. Not a good way to get back into things. Blah!

It's the end of the semester, and there is so much to do, and not nearly enough time. I'm going to focus on the positive though.

I felt hunger in my stomach again for the first time tonight and it felt great. The hungrier I feel, the more I feel like I have earned the food I'm eating. I mean that in a very non diet ruining way too.

Well, I'm off to catch some sleep. Night all!

~Wendy

Nice Guys Finish Last +(NEW RULES)

Well, I'm officially back. The new plan starts today.

You'll have to forgive me if I don't actually count calories for a few days. I'm a little scatterbrained and need to restock my kitchen with foods I know.

So far today, breakfast and lunch have been the same thing. Cinnamon Toast Crunch with Fat Free milk. =)

I have decided that I'm not counting liquid calories either at the moment (Ex: I will count the milk on the cereal, but not the juice I drink). I'm doing that just because it is spring cold season, and my allergies are more than enough to deal with right now without a cold. Orange Juice helps.

I started playing my guitar again yesterday. It's time that I got back to the things I love, and boy do I love that guitar. Yesterday's lesson wasn't all that great though, I've done a lot better. Hopefully it will start coming back to me. It's for sure been awhile.

I quit the biggest loser competition. I know it doesn't seem like I should, but I needed to. I looked back at all my old entries, and before the competition I was losing weight. Some weeks were small, but I was ALWAYS losing. After the competition started, I didn't lose anything. In fact I kept on a gain of about 4 lbs! BOO! People were making me stick to their work out instead of my own, and me and friends would go out eating way to much "because we're all in the same competition". So screw that! I am done with that all!

We're going back to doing this my way! So here are the rules, the same ones I was following before:

1) You must eat breakfast within 30 minutes of waking up, to jump start your metabolism. If Breakfast has to come later (Like if you are eating with family or such) then you must put at least 50 calories in your body within that 30 minutes (a small glass of milk would work great.)

2) Breakfast will NEVER go over 200 calories. EVER! End of story.

3) Lunch will NEVER go over 150 calories!

4) Repeat after me: "I am NOT hungry."

5) Try to avoid snacks at all costs (However sugar free gum is acceptable.) In the event of needing to snack, snacks will not exceed more than 50 calories for the day!

6) Dinner will NEVER exceed 400 calories! There are NO excuses!

7) A "cheat" is allowed, but only if it is preceded with at least 24 hours of fasting! The size of the cheat doesn't matter. (Ex: Indulging in Starbucks, eating at a party without counting, popcorn at a movie, etc.)

8) If the cheat rule is broken (e.g. friend surprises you with starbucks) then you must have as little of it as possible, and make up for it with an extra hour at the gym (Yes, that means added to whatever else was planned.)

9) Weigh ins and measurements are now moved to Wednesday mornings. Going home for the weekend is no longer and excuse to not weigh in!

10) All posts will be closed with a New Reason to be Skinny


I think that covers everything for now. If not I will be back to add more.

Also working towards rewards that are now listed on the right (or will be shortly.) There is no excuse to lose.

I still want to be competing with someone, but it would have to be someone that is like minded, because clearly The biggest loser competition just worked against me. Well, see all you later. Wish me luck!

~Wendy


Reason #1 to be Skinny:

To look good in black skinny jeans!

I'm on a roll, no self control...

Still alive, just seem to have lost the urge to write.

Basically after pulling the all nighter working, I ate my weight in food over the next few days.

I didn't gain a thing. I will never understand that.

I have however been being really good the last few days (even if I have been eating out).

I need to start using this blog the way I use too though, start calorie counting again. Bet the weight will just come right off then. I have goals again!!!!

Decided that I am going home for Easter, mostly because I'm going to be picking up my new car while I'm there! I'm so friggin excited!!!!

Part I am not excited about though is Easter itself. My family has been off my back for awhile now when it comes to Easter, mostly because I HATE almost all food that has to do with it. Always have, since I was LITTLE! So yeah.

Problem is, John was hinting that he wants me to go to his house for Easter dinner if I'm still around. (The two of us actually do share holidays with each other. It's weird I know, but I really kinda like it). This is a problem because he has a big Italian family, and the damn Italians judge you on food, and how much you eat, and blah blah. I wouldn't care except half his family hates me anyways, mainly because I'm not his girlfriend (I'm actually with them in that part and don't understand why he brings me around more than her sometimes).

Graghhhhh maybe I'll just leave town early. Take my car and run!

Well what happens happens. But monday or tuesday depending on when I get back, I'm reviving this blog and my diet. You will know EVERYTHING that I put in my mouth.

Dirty or not ;-)

Well happy holiday anyways. I hope everyone makes it through in one piece.

~Wendy

Want your bad romance!

This lack of sleep might be killing me.

Friday night, I had to work a huge event. I mean I was up for at least 30 hours, and I would be luck if I sat down for even 3 of those hours! I didn't even stop to eat much. Had some T bell at like midnight but that was it.

Came home around 1:30 Saturday, and tried to go right to sleep. My feet hurt so bad that it took FOREVER!!!!! Then guess what, I popped awake at 9:30!!!!! FOR REAL!

So I stayed awake until around midnight when I finally gave in and took some sleeping pills. STILL stirred awake a bunch, but at least this was a deeper sleep. Woke up again around 9:30, am this time.

Then proceeded to eat half my apartment's food.

I must have needed it or something. No excuse though, just hadn't eaten and had worked my ASS off, pretty literally.

Only real good news is that I managed to see 188.8 on the scale this afternoon. First time that's happened in a month! geeze!

~Wendy

p.s. Welcome new followers! I hope I'm not disappointing you.

p.s.s. I can't decide if I should go home for easter. I'd have to drive out of state, and miss easter dinner anyways, because I have important classes on monday. Should I do it? All I'd have to worry about eating is egg whites, because I hate egg yolks, so nothing bad really. It's an 8 hour drive and and I'd only get to be home for one full day (saturday). What do you guys think? Is it worth it?

I'm sweet like....

A guy I knew in high school called me fat today.

I called him a tool first though.

So just to prove I don't care, I went and got drunk.

Booze helps me sleep anyways.

I'm almost completely back into routine. =)

I also weighed 189 this morning.

Semi-good day.

With a little luck, my back might be getting back together this summer. (We only broke up because of members moving out of state. They might be coming back though).

Also, was randomly happy (as horrible as it is) when one of my friends tried on a size 11 dress today and couldn't fit into it. I was happy only because I thought she was smaller than me, but I can wear a size 11!!!!

Still a long way to go though. MUST STAY FOCUSED!!!

~Wendy

P.S. Still can't sleep. Trying more booze tonight. By tomorrow it will be OTC sleeping pills. =( I don't like those though.

I'm having trouble trying to sleep...

Last night was my first decent night of sleep in about 4 nights. I only woke up twice during it!!!! =D

Trying super hard to think thin today. I just got back on my program so I'm not expecting miracles for the weigh in tonight. I do want to trick the scale though. They make us weigh in with our clothes on, so the trick is to wear light clothing. I have to be less than 193.2

I will not except another gain on that scale, off the wagon or not.

Right now I'm in the area of 190. Gonna make sure it stays that way.

I'm taking the control again!

Breakfast today was Milk and Cereal.

Lunch was Sugar free chocolate jello pudding(60), and Light String cheese (50).

Don't know what/ when I'm doing dinner. Plus I have work. Weigh in is at 10pm. (WHY THE HELL DO THEY HAVE TO BE SOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOO LATE!!! I'm gonna be like 10X heavier! =/ )

Hopefully I'll check back in later.

I need help, serious serious help.

~Wendy

Give me that Filet of Fish, Give me that fish!

Not doing so well.

Never have found my way back onto the wagon. Been wanting to, but have been too complacent.

Does anyone else have that? It's like I will randomly just be FINE for a few days, not happy, but fine. Not hating anything.

but without hate, I have no motivation.......



Then there is days like today. Where someone (Will) manages to piss me off and I suddenly notice that I have food in my hand.

It confuses me that it happens too. I'm not one of those people that normally takes comfort in food. It fact, I normally don't eat at all when I'm upset.

I don't even want to see my weigh in this week.

BAck to the story though....

Will has me all confused and pissed off again. Me and Will get along fine most days but he seems to have the ability to send me to extreme mood swings and fast! He's even beating John for that ability. I'm just glad that I'm not like Izzie and dating him. At least I can escape.

But I digress, Will has me annoyed and pissed, and I find a sugar free Jell-o pudding cup in my hand (60). It's not finished. Maybe a quarter of the way.

I'm fighting the urge to finish it in one bite.......



FUCK.....

Okay, it just got put in the garbage unfinished.

I'm back on the plan starting now. Going to go drink my booze and watch a movie. I would skip the booze, but I need it to sleep.

My insomnia is back.

I feel half awake.

Where did my life go?

Why can't I love anybody?

Why am I so cold?

Why am I so fat?

...

I know the answer to the last one at least.

Because I EAT!!!!

~Wendy