Have some personal accountability....

Some days I am really starting to hate that I PROMISED to write everything in this blog. I wish that I could just skip over last night and pretend that what you last read was what last happened.

But no....

I was really upset, and it didn't help the fact that my stomach was gassy so I would belch and taste Paczki all over again (sorry if that's TMI). I was pissed that the paczki logically had to be my dinner, and even out of all the low calorie dinners I eat, it wasn't even satisfying.

So I made myself my original planned dinner of soup. I remember chilling by the microwave waiting for it to warm up, and adding calories in my head. I realized even with the soup, I'd still be under 1000 for the day. That's not even my worst fuck up day! How can the Paczki not be my worst fuck up?

Instead of taking this like good news, I was even more pissed. I was even pissed that I was going to be eating the soup! My stomach already hurt, after the soup it was just going to be bad! So then the thought crosses my mind. I think you need to eat the calories of a normal person tonight. You need to remember how much you stomach hurts, how much you don't like it!

And I'm like woah! Where the fuck did that come from? So the next thing I know, I've pulled out my cell phone and txt Izzie (Izzie and Will were already supposed to be coming over last night) "Hey! We should go to T Bell later tonight!"

Can somebody please stick a fork in me??????

So then a bit later Izzie and Will come over. Now, I'm at least in a better mood because Sweden beat Germany for hockey, but Izzie brings over left over cake batter to make cupcakes. Well, I'm going to hell anyways, right?

I have 3 cupcakes and a tall double jack and coke. My life is fucked. Then comes T Bell. Now, I know the menu there, I could have at least gone for the lower calorie options! but that stupid voice kicks in again and goes, No! Do this right! Get a Steak Grilled Stuffed Burrito! It's stuffed like you! Eat like you use to and really learn this lesson. What other chance will you have?

Ladies and gentlemen, I've offically lost it. That is EXACTLY what I ordered. Afterwards my stomach hurt sooooooo bad. I don't need that much food! Fuck!

I had weighed myself right before the Paczki, and when I weighed myself at the end of the night, I had eaten 2 lbs of fucking food! 2 lbs! >=(

The only good part of this story, is I slept well last night for the first time in a week.

Although, I did have a dream that I was pregnant. Yup, I am fat enough I have pregnant dreams!

So I wake up this morning, I still feel as full as if I just ate, and I'm thinking I should fast until dinner! Remember Thursdays are group dinners, and guess who's not cooking tonight.... oh right, me.

Logic is telling me not to fast though. Especially skipping breakfast will slow my metabolism for the day, and I really need it right now for burning this shit off.

So plan goes, eat as low cal as possible until dinner. That means Egg White breakfast @60. and Tofu Miso soup at lunch for @35. That is under 100 coming into dinner. Then all I've managed to get out of the host for this week about what dinner is, is that it it has shrimp and orzo in it. Now I also know that the cook is one of those snobby cheif purists where "everything has to be real butter and cream" so I'm still fucking screwed. But, I figure a small searving of orzo is around @200 and Shrimp can be anywhere from @33~90 depending of size, so I'll just get really really really small portions of orzo if I can, just a few shrimp, and the butter and fat will hopefully not kill me.

At least nothing will be as bad as yesterday! oy! =(

~Wendy